At Last
by coloradoperson
Summary: Edward comes from wealth and all that that implies. His future is already written by his grandfather as it is for all the Cullen men. He has the right friends, attends the right schools, and he will marry the right woman. He always did what was expected of him and accepted it all without question until he met Bella, a student working her way through school, and everything changed.
1. Prologue

**Hi! Hope everyone is doing well and getting those mammograms. Thanks for reading. Judy xoxoxo**

**This is twilightgma1954's story. I hope she enjoys it. Much love to Bobbie, Em and Meagan for their support and pre-reading.**

**None of this Twilight stuff belongs to me - it all belongs to SM.**

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**Prologue.**

The brainwashing started when I was ten.

Well, he didn't call it brainwashing, of course. He called it "learning and understanding the expectations, the obligations, and the joys and rewards of being a Cullen".

My grandfather took each of us into his office on our tenth birthday and every birthday after that until we were eighteen. None of us was ever allowed in his office unless we were invited in on our birthdays. We knew what was to come from the older kids who had been through it, but still, that tenth birthday was one of those milestones that are so magical and frightening in all of our childhoods.

I remember it so well. I was dressed in a suit and felt like the tie was choking me. I was very nervous and remember thinking I was going to wet my pants. I didn't see my grandfather too often since he traveled a lot, taking care of the family business, while I attended the best boarding school money could buy. My grandfather was an intimidating man. I was actually scared of the man and wasn't sure I even liked him that much. He was always grilling me when he saw me. "Are you getting good grades, Edward? Who are your friends, Edward? Are you obeying your mother and father, Edward?" I don't remember him ever hugging me or playing with me.

I never bothered to ask the older kids what his office looked like; I didn't need to. I had my own vision of it. I saw a grand room with beautiful furniture and shelves upon shelves of books all around. I pictured him sitting in a leather chair behind a huge desk looking as important as I knew he was. That's one thing my grandfather never let us forget – he was a very important man. I saw us having a more grown-up conversation now that I was ten. I saw him recognizing my maturity and great knowledge from the best boarding school in the country. I expected him to love me, I think. I really wanted him to love me.

Nothing was what I thought it would be. His office was small and cluttered, and there wasn't a book to be seen. His desk was this ugly metal thing and buried in papers. He wore an old t-shirt and kind of smelled.

He didn't look up when I walked into the room, and I stood there, not knowing what to do. When he finally looked at me, he didn't say hello or tell me to sit down. He started asking questions; the same questions he always asked me before I was ten and mature and knowledgeable.

When the questions were over, the brainwashing started.

_You are a Cullen. _

_You are the future of this family._

_You are expected to act like a Cullen, and never bring us shame. _

_You will have the best of everything in life._

_You will have opportunities that are unimaginable to most people._

_You are expected to excel in everything you do._

_You will go to the best schools and take your place in the family business afterward. _

_You are expected to know the right people, go to the right parties, and marry the right woman. _

"And, most importantly," he said, "never disappoint me. I don't like to be disappointed, Edward. Remember that."

Over the years, the questions changed a bit, but it was mostly the same brainwashing every year.

He took more of an interest in me when I was a senior in high school and decided what college I would attend and what I would major in.

College: Harvard

Major: Law.

I was destined to be a corporate attorney.

In the eight years I was required to go to his office, I never questioned any of it. I knew who I was. I was a Cullen. I was a kid from a very wealthy, powerful family, and I accepted it easily. I did what was expected and excelled in school and sports. I was friends with the right people and dated the girls who were acceptable, who were just like me. I never disappointed my grandfather. I had a childhood enjoying the finest things in life and looked forward to my future enjoying whatever fine things the adult world offered to me. My future was laid out, and it looked pretty damn good to me.

I thought I had it all until Bella walked into my life. What followed brought me to one sad, pathetic truth… that my piece of shit life could be summed up in one quote from Charles Dickens' _Great Expectations_.

_In a word, I was too cowardly to do what I knew to be right, as I had been too cowardly to avoid doing what I knew to be wrong._


	2. Obligations

**Chapter One. Obligations.**

I looked at the clock and jumped out of bed.

"Fuck me," I thought. I missed my first stupid, damn, pain-in-the-ass tutoring appointment. I realized drinking so late wasn't such a great idea, but it's hard to leave when the party is in your own frat house.

I cursed my grandfather and thought about what a dick he was while I threw on my clothes. I pulled a 3.7 GPA all through college, and he was upset over one fucking 'C' in my last year of law school and was making me go to a tutor. He even called the school to arrange for the tutor, and I knew he would be checking on my progress. What really burned my ass was it was an elective course - a fucking _elective_ - that didn't mean a fucking thing. It wasn't like that grade would have made a difference in a job search since I was guaranteed a job in the family business pretty much starting at the top. There was no such thing as climbing up the ladder of success when you were a Cullen.

I could hear the old man on the phone the week before.

"If something is worth doing, Edward, it's worth doing well, especially when you are a Cullen. Get that grade up, and don't disappoint me."

Nope, you couldn't disappoint Grandfather when he got a bug up his ass, which was why I headed to the library to kiss the tutor's ass. I hated kissing ass. People kissed my ass, not the other way around.

Luckily, the tutor was a female, and I could use the old Cullen charm - it got them every time.

I looked around the library and wondered which one was the tutor as I checked out the fifteen or so females sitting at the tables. I picked the plain, heavy-set one sitting by herself. She was my image of a tutor - no social life, lots of time to study.

"Bella? Bella Swan?"

I heard a voice behind me.

"I'm Bella."

She was a surprise. Beautiful. Brunette. Great eyes. Not my idea of a tutor at all.

"Bella, I'm Edward Cullen."

"Well, hello there, Edward Cullen. You're late."

I gave her my best sheepish grin. Women loved it. The trick was getting the eyes just right.

"I know, I know. I am so sorry. Can you forgive me? Those sweet eyes tell me you can."

She started laughing and actually rolled those sweet eyes. It was the first time a female had done that when I was being my wonderfully charming self. I kind of liked it.

"Well, Mr. Charming, it's not a matter of forgiving you. It's a matter of my time being valuable. I turned down other students to fit you in - other students who would actually show up and probably need this more than you. It pisses me off when people don't show up, so if you have problems keeping your commitments, maybe you should find another tutor."

The tutor was trying to dump me. That wasn't good. I knew Grandfather would have a shit fit if she did. Charming wasn't working, so I tried simple honesty.

"Look, Bella, I really am sorry. Can we start over? I guarantee I will be at our next appointment, and I'll pay you for today."

She stared at me while she decided my fate, and I felt strangely self-conscious. I usually didn't give a shit about what anyone thought of me, but I cared what she thought. I didn't know what she was looking for, but I wanted her to find it me – I didn't know why.

"Okay, Edward, you get one more shot. No need to pay me. Your grandfather told me to send my bills to him, and he will receive a bill for today. I'll even cover for you and won't bill it as a no-show. I see my next student is here, so I'll see you on Thursday. Deal?"

"Deal! Thanks so much, Bella."

I glanced back at her as I walked out. There was something I liked about her. Maybe it was the fact that she didn't seem all that impressed with me even though I was a Cullen. It was refreshing.

My phone rang as I walked back to the house.

_Shit. Tanya._

There were positives and negatives to taking her call. The positive was I didn't have to say anything while she rambled on forever. Unfortunately, that was also the negative. I didn't find one thing she rambled on about the least bit interesting.

"Hey, Tanya. What's up?"

She never said, "Well, hello, Edward. How are you? How is your life? Are you having a good day?" It was all about her and the latest crisis she faced planning our wedding. It wasn't easy planning the wedding of the year.

The wedding of the year. Just thinking about it made me feel like I was suffocating.

This was my next step in becoming a Cullen man - marrying the appropriate woman. Tanya was very appropriate, and I think our fate was sealed by my grandfather and her family when we were about three years old. I grew up with her. I thought she was a good person somewhere underneath all that self-centered, snobby, rich girl training, and sometimes, I thought I actually loved her. Other times, I thought I was just used to her. Not that love was required in our marriage. We just needed to understand each other and the life we were born in to, and we most certainly did that. She was beautiful and knew the right things to say, and that was exactly what was required if she was going to stand by my side as I became another powerful Cullen man.

My dad did it. He married my mom because she was 'suitable'. They understood each other, had mutual respect, and I even think there was a little love somewhere in that suitable union that was their marriage. They both traded off a piece of themselves to live an appropriate life, but they both seemed happy in their own way. When they weren't, they simply had affairs to seek temporary happiness. My brother, Emmett, and I found out about them when we were in our teens, but it didn't seem to be anything out of the ordinary to us. It was something that was just done in our world. I never thought any of those affairs were about love. I knew they were more about boredom than anything else. They somehow managed to be good parents, though, and always came home to have dinner with us every night no matter who they were fucking.

This was what it took to be a Cullen man, and I couldn't find it in me to complain. It wasn't like they were sending me to some torturous hell where I would suffer for the rest of my life. I could think of a million things that were worse than marrying a beautiful woman like Tanya. We understood each other, Tanya and I, and there wasn't anything we didn't know about each other. We started having sex when we were sixteen, even though we didn't really commit to each other until I was in my second year of law school. It was time, our families said. There were worse things than having sex with Tanya for the next fifty years, of course, even though I felt like it was just another thing that was expected of me. There was very little passion between us, and sex with Tanya was pretty much just another obligation in my life.

I was prepared to go through with the marriage. I accepted it so easily, this life that was laid out in front of me. My family called me easygoing, but I knew enough about myself to know that an easygoing personality was not what led to my acceptance. Sometimes, on the nights I tossed and turned and couldn't sleep, I faced the truth and knew what I was. I wasn't easygoing – I was weak. I was much too weak to fight or question this family that ran my life. I think most of the Cullen men were weak in that same way.

There was one Cullen man who was not weak, who would not stand on tradition, though – my Uncle Carlisle. He insisted on marrying for love instead of marrying only on the basis of who was appropriate or acceptable. She came from the 'poor' side of town, as my grandfather so dramatically put it, but, really, she just wasn't one of us. Esme worked for one of our companies. She was a receptionist, just a common office worker as Grandfather put it, and my Uncle Carlisle fell head over heels in love with her. Grandfather could not tolerate this disappointment, and there was a huge fight. Uncle Carlisle became a larger-than-life hero to us kids the day he told Grandfather to go fuck himself and walked away from everything Cullen. I only saw Uncle Carlisle and Esme once or twice when I was a kid, but I remembered them vividly. They were just about the happiest people I had ever seen. That's what I remembered about them the most. I thought about them from time to time and wondered if they were still happy, if he ever had any regrets.

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I had every intention of getting to the next tutoring session on time, but ended up being 56 minutes late. I kept telling myself to get the fuck up, but I just couldn't get my ass out of bed after spending another night drinking myself into oblivion. I ran to the library and found Bella reading a book under a tree. She didn't look up when I apologized with all the charm I could muster while having a fuckawful hangover; she just turned the page.

"Bella? Hello?"

"Please tell me, Edward, what it was you didn't understand when we spoke the last time you missed your appointment?"

"I understood everything, Bella. Look, I'm sor …"

"Well, that's good to know, Edward, but yet, here we are again. Do me a favor and find another tutor, okay? I just don't put up with bullshit like this."

The nasty Cullen streak came out as I said, "What are you complaining about? You'll get your money. I'll even pay you double. Triple. How's that?"

She put her book in her backpack and stood up.

"Not everything is about money. It's about other things, things I imagine you wouldn't understand."

"Oh, for fuck's sake. Calm down. It's just a tutoring session."

"My time is valuable to me, Edward. I don't give it away to someone who doesn't respect that," she said as she gave me a dirty look and walked away.

I stood there kind of shocked. I was faced with two unusual situations – I couldn't buy myself out of something, and I was actually disappointed in myself.

I called her three times and sent her seven text messages in the next few days, asking her to reconsider. I practically begged her to tutor me.

"No way in hell, Edward. Find another tutor," she replied.

****************.

_Never say never._ - _Charles Dickens_

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Thank so much for reading and reviewing! Judy xoxoxo

_PS - Some of my facts about life at Harvard might be a little off,  
but they aren't really important to the story, so they become true in the world of this story. Ha! _


	3. A Memorable Day

**I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to post this. Damn work was getting in the way, but it's better now. Thank you for reading and all the wonderful reviews. I hope I can live up to them! Reminder: Keep on dancing and getting those mammograms! Judy xoxoxo**

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**Chapter Two. A Memorable Day**

It started out as just another fucking day for me - waking up with the usual hangover, stumbling to the shower, trying to stay awake in class, catching a quick nap, studying, writing another fucking paper, drinking, passing out, and then waking up and doing it all over again. That was my life. I called it my _'having fun and cutting loose before I faced my responsibilities' _phase, but in the few moments of clarity I allowed myself to have every once in a while, I knew I wasn't having much fun.

It wasn't always like that. I thought I was pretty content until I woke up one morning at the beginning of my last year in law school, and I wasn't. I wasn't content at all. I remember that day so distinctly. I woke up not giving a shit. I woke up indifferent. I had no interest in my own life. It seemed kind of pointless to me as I got up and went through the motions. I had enough self-awareness to realize I had been heading in that direction for some time, but not enough to ask myself why. Cullen men didn't question their lives. We knew who we were and what our lives meant. I told myself that was the reason why I drank away the doubts and feelings of uncertainty that continually crept into my mind. I told myself to just get through it, that everything would be fine once I took my place in life next to my grandfather and Tanya, once I was where I belonged. I made a lot of excuses for not asking myself the questions I should have, but I knew they were all bullshit. I didn't ask because I didn't want to know the answers. Examining my life would have led to change, and I was much too weak to change. It was just easier to be a good Cullen man and drink it all away.

***************.

There was something unusual about that day, though. For some reason, I didn't feel like getting drunk, which left me with the problem of what to do with my time. I tried watching TV and reading, but couldn't concentrate. I was restless and out of sorts and thought maybe I could walk it off. I aimlessly walked around town for a couple of hours until I decided to have a beer and headed into the first bar I saw.

She was standing behind the bar at the cash register with her back to me, and I didn't notice her at first. Well, that's not quite true - I did notice her beautiful ass. I almost fell off the bar stool when she turned around, and I realized that beautiful ass belonged to the only female I couldn't charm into doing what I wanted her to do. She was the last person I expected to run into.

She smiled when she saw me. That surprised me. I was also surprised by the fact that her smile brightened my day. I immediately felt better.

"Edward Cullen. Are you stalking me, my little no-show student?"

"Well, if it isn't Bella Swan, the hard-ass tutor. Sorry to disappoint you, but no, I'm not stalking you. This is just a coincidence."

"What can I get you, Edward?"

"Whatever you have on tap will be fine, thanks."

"No hard feelings, I hope," she said as she set the beer in front of me.

"Nope, no hard feelings. I love being shot down like that. It's a first for me."

"Yeah, I imagine it is. New experiences are wonderful, aren't they? "

"Indeed they are. Thank you for adding that new experience to the fabric of my life, Ms. Swan."

I looked around the bar. I'd never been there before, but it looked to be a typical college town bar, kind of rundown and shabby. It was still rather quiet. The band was just setting up, and the '_get as drunk as I can in the shortest, cheapest way I can_' crowd hadn't arrived yet. I was surprised to see her there. I saw her working in a library or a book store, not tending bar in what looked to be a pretty rowdy, wild bar.

"So _this_ is what you do with some of that valuable time of yours?"

She shrugged her shoulders.

"It pays the bills, and actually, I love this job."

"What else do you do with your valuable time, Bella?"

I didn't know why I was so interested in her. Later, I realized it was because she didn't hold a grudge or play silly games. I liked that about her.

She didn't answer right away, and I knew what she was thinking. She didn't trust me. She thought I trying to charm her into tutoring me. I was sure she would cut the conversation off and walk away, and I was surprised when she answered me.

"Not much. The tutoring. This. The rest of the time I study and go to class. I'm trying to catch up."

"Catch up? Catch up on what?"

"I had to leave school for a couple of months."

"And why did you have to leave school, Bella?"

"It was… personal."

I knew that was more than she meant to reveal, and she look relieved when she had to walk away and take care of a few customers. When she came back to give me another beer, I knew she was hoping I would drop the subject, but I didn't, of course. I wanted to know what happened, and I wasn't about to give up. I didn't know how to stop – I was very accustomed to getting my own way.

"So what does personal mean? Like a guy personal?"

"I'd rather not talk about it if you don't mind."

"What happened? Did he dump you?" I asked in my hilarious, smart ass way.

I didn't know why the fuck I said that, but that was just me. I didn't have a filter. I was used to saying whatever I wanted to anyone I wanted to because I was a rich Cullen and could get away with shit like that. I knew it was the wrong thing to say as soon as the words came out of my mouth. If the angry expression on her face didn't tell me I was opening a wound, the tears in her eyes did, and I felt like the biggest shithead in the world as she answered me and walked away.

"No, he didn't dump me. He died. It was my dad. There. Now you know. Happy now, douche bag?"

I saw her say something to the other bartender and walk out the front door. I sat at the bar, telling myself I should just leave, but I didn't. I couldn't. I needed to make things right with her. I wasn't quite sure how to do that because I had never really had to make anything in my life 'right', but I did know an apology was involved. I wasn't completely stupid.

I found her outside, leaning against the building and looking down at the ground. She didn't look up when I approached her. I thought I would hate apologizing, but it was easy, so very easy, when I saw how upset she was.

"I'm an asshole, Bella. A complete fucking asshole. I am so, so sorry for the loss of your dad and for being so insensitive."

As soon as I got the sentence out of my mouth, I felt a hand clamp down on my shoulder. I didn't know who was behind me, but I knew he was huge by the size and strength of the hand. I also knew he wasn't trying to be my friend.

"You seem to be upsetting the lady. I own this establishment, and I don't allow shit like this. My suggestion would be to call it a night before you piss me off. You really, really don't want to piss me off, pal. "

Bella looked up and surprised me again when she said, "It's okay, Ben. He's not upsetting me. Just thinking about my dad."

"Are you sure, Bella?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. Everything is good. "

I could see that Ben didn't quite believe that from the look he gave me that definitely said, "I'm watching you, dude. Don't fuck up," before he went back into the bar.

"I think he's probably right, Bella. I should call it a night. Again, I'm so sorry." I felt something unfamiliar as I walked away – regret. That was definitely a new feeling for me. I kicked myself in the ass for being such a prick and fucking up the way I did with her.

"Edward. Wait. I should probably apologize also. That was unfair, hitting you with it like that. It hasn't been that long since I lost him, and I'm still a little raw about it."

I turned around and looked at her. She was letting me off the hook, making excuses for my behavior, and it felt wrong. Not that I wasn't used to people excusing me - it happened all the time. I had no problem with other people taking the responsibility off of me and putting it on themselves. I came to expect it in my life and actually mocked the people who did it, thinking they were suckers for taking the blame just because I was rich. It was different with Bella, though. I knew she wasn't doing it because of who I was. She did it because she was kind, because she had a good heart, and for those reasons, I wouldn't allow it for the first time in my life.

"Please don't do that, Bella. Don't apologize. You did nothing wrong. It was me. I shouldn't have pushed. I had no right. I was inconsiderate and arrogant."

It was one of those rare moments of truth and honesty in my life, and I was uncomfortable as I stood there, wondering what she was thinking. There I was again, caring about what she thought of me.

When she smiled at me, the world felt right. Her smile just had that effect on me. It was a beautiful smile.

"Okay. Apology accepted. I have to get back to work, but come back in, and I'll buy you a beer. Come on. I'll make sure Ben doesn't kill you."

Bella bought me that beer, and I nursed it for the rest of the night as I watched her work and waited for her to talk to me when she had time. I'd never really been interested in anyone enough to watch them for hours, and I was surprised by how much you could learn about a person by just watching them. She seemed to be truly happy – happy with herself and happy with her life. She loved to laugh and had a great sense of humor. She was a tiny person, but she was tough. She didn't take any shit from the customers. She smiled at the annoying, drunk frat boys and the girls who tried to get served using a fake ID, but it wasn't a friendly smile. It was a smile that said, "Back off, fucker," and back off they did.

I noticed things about her, things I had never noticed about anyone, like the mahogany highlights that ran through her hair and the way she licked her bottom lip twice whenever she made a mixed drink. I laughed when I noticed that she liked to steal a shot of tequila from the bar every hour or so.

I walked outside with her when she took a break, and learned more about her. She was from Forks, Washington and was in her last year of law school also. She received almost a full academic scholarship to attend Harvard, which was pretty damn impressive to me, and used loans and grants to make up the difference. She preferred to live off campus in her own space and tutored and worked at the bar to pay for that.

I apologized to her again about her dad.

"It's okay, Edward. Really. He was a wonderful man and lived his life well. I spent the last two months of his life with him, and we said all that we wanted and needed to say. That was important to me."

"And your mom?"

"She walked out on us when I was two. I don't know where she is. No sisters, no brothers, no relatives. Just me."

It bothered me that she was all alone in the world even though she didn't seem to feel sorry for herself at all. She'd had tragedy in her life, but kept on going. It was unfair as hell, but I couldn't help comparing her to Tanya, who practically passed out when one of her fake nails fell off.

When we walked back in, the band started chanting "_Bella, Bella,_" and the rest of the bar joined in. I didn't know what the hell was going on, and looked at her.

"They want me to sing."

"You sing?"

"I do. I try to, anyway."

At first she said no. When they wouldn't give up, she ran up to the stage, laughing, and sang a beautiful, passionate version of "At Last' as the crowd went wild and hollered for more.

I changed during that song. I would always remember the moment it happened. I would never forget the expression on her face as she looked at me at that moment or the lyrics she was singing.

"_You smiled, you smiled,  
__Oh, and then the spell was cast."_

As I watched her on that stage, as I stared at the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, I felt something I had never felt before. I wanted her. I had never really wanted anyone. I didn't have to – the women were just there, waiting for Edward Cullen to choose them. I wanted her in a way I was unaccustomed to. I wanted to touch her, feel her underneath me, but it was more, this want I had when I looked at her. I wanted to find out what she loved, what made her cry, and what made her heart soar with happiness. I wanted to know her deepest thoughts and secrets. I wanted to know her past and what made her who she was. I wanted her in a way I had never wanted anything in my life.

She was smiling when she came back to the bar, and I envied the joy on her face in a way. I had never been that joyful about anything in my life, and I wondered what it would feel like to know that kind of happiness.

"Bella, you have talent, so much talent. Why are you wasting your time on the law?"

"Thanks, Edward. I love singing, and I thought about pursuing a career, but I love the law more. I always wanted to become a lawyer and here I am at Harvard, doing just that. It really is a dream come true. Who knows? Maybe I'll do the music thing one day. Life is full of possibilities."

"You love the law?"

"Of course I do. Don't you?"

"No, I really don't love the law. I'm not even sure I like it."

"Why are you here, then?"

"Well, I'm going into the family business, and this is what is expected of me."

"Expected of you? That's an interesting way to put it. Tell me, Edward, what would you do if you weren't doing what was expected of you?"

I didn't have to think about that, and my honesty surprised me.

"I would teach. I never told anyone that before. No one ever asked, I guess. What I wanted never really mattered."

She stared at me for a few moments before she said the most unexpected thing.

"It matters to me."

She was sincere. Somehow I knew that.

I had a fiance. Our wedding of the year was being planned at the very moment I looked into Bella's brown eyes and asked her for some time, but I didn't care. None of that seemed real or important. The only thing that seemed real at that moment was her.

"Go out to dinner with me tomorrow night, Bella."

"Are you trying to get me to tutor you?" she asked me, smiling.

"No, not at all. I just want to spend time with you. Say yes. Please say yes."

She said yes. I don't know why, but she did. Later, when I thought about it, I was sure she would see it as the biggest mistake of her life.

***************.

_That was a memorable day to me, for it made great changes in me. But it is the same with any life. Imagine one selected day struck out of it, and think how different its course would have been. Pause you who read this, and think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold, of thorns or flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of the first link on one memorable day. ― Charles Dickens, __Great Expectations_


	4. No Questions

**Thanks for reading and for taking the time to review. I really appreciate it! Judy xoxoxo**

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**Chapter Three. No Questions**

The house she lived in would have been called a dump in the world I lived in. It really wasn't, though. It was just old and worn out from all the living that had gone on there for seventy five years. It wasn't like the old I was used to – the perfectly taken care of, perfectly groomed old. I grew up in a house like that. Old. Perfect. Immaculate. Bella's old had something different, a certain charm and character the old in my world lacked. I could almost hear the laughter and conversations of times gone by as I walked up the stairs to the huge front porch. The stairs to her apartment were narrow and creaky, and I tried to imagine all the different people who had climbed them over the years. I wondered how many had been like me - nervous, excited - as they thought about what they would find at the top of the stairs.

There was a note on her door telling me to come in. She was running late, it said, and had just jumped in the shower.

I walked into her living room, and I swear, I felt like I was in a different century. It was the most romantic room I'd ever been in, right out of the pages of a classic novel.

The room was dimly lit and the colors from the sunset were streaming in through the huge beveled glass window that dwarfed the room. She had a few candles lit. I walked around the room, looking at her things, touching some of them. She loved books. They were everywhere. She loved her classic novels the most. I knew that because they had a special place on a beautiful antique bookshelf. She loved old, overstuffed furniture. She loved old lace and quilts. She loved old black and white photos, and she loved deep colors, especially burgundy. She loved huge old fashioned lamps. She put scarves over the shades that threw a subdued, golden light around the room. She loved her dad. The fireplace mantel was decorated with pictures of him – alone and with her - and other knick knacks that must have held memories dear to her heart. It was the window seat underneath that beautiful window that I thought she loved the most. It was huge and could easily have fit two people, maybe three. Pillows and quilts in rich textures and patterns were piled up next to a stack of books she was reading. I opened one of the books and smiled. She used old pieces of ribbon to mark her place. For some reason, I really liked that. I imagined her on that window seat on a cold, snowy night in front of a warm fire, covered with those old quilts and reading the books she loved. I knew I wanted to be there to witness that one day.

She came out then. I knew she was happy to see me. I wasn't sure why.

We walked to an old, hole-in-the-wall Italian restaurant. She loved it there, she said.

I waited until we got our salads to ask her.

"Why did you say yes, Bella?"

I knew she was surprised I asked the question.

"I don't know exactly. I think… I think I want to know you. I think there is someone underneath all that rich kid, _'this is what is expected of me'_ bullshit who is worth knowing."

"Maybe you're wrong. Maybe that's all there is."

"Maybe I am wrong. I could be, but I don't think so. I saw a glimpse of him when you said you wanted to teach. Even if I am wrong, it might be interesting to get to know a rich kid. I've never really known one. You would be my first."

"We're really not that much different than you peasants, Bella. We just have a lot of money and people all around us who kiss our asses all day. The worst part is - it all can be very tedious, trying to figure out what to spend all that money on and having all those people kissing our asses all day. I really don't know how I do it."

I made her laugh. Making her laugh was just about the most satisfying thing I had done in ten years. It was something different for me, joking about my wealth. I had never done that before. In my family, it was serious business, a solemn topic. It was a way of life, our money - something to serve and dedicate ourselves to, not something to joke about.

She knew very little about the Cullens, she said, even though she had heard the name, of course. I was in unchartered territory, having to explain my family. Usually, people just knew. It was enjoyable, describing my life to her, especially when I described my grandfather. He almost didn't sound real, this man who never let anyone forget how rich and powerful he was. He sounded like some stereotyped villain right out of a bad movie.

"Well, I don't want to offend you, Edward, but your grandfather is a dick. I knew that when I talked to him about the tutoring. "

She was the first person in my life that had dared to say anything negative about my grandfather to my face. That was just not done in my world. I loved that she said it.

She gave me a perspective I never had about being wealthy. I took it for granted all of my life, but I saw it through new eyes, her eyes, as I talked. She wasn't envious or jealous. She saw my life as a wonderful adventure as I described the exotic vacations our family went on and recalled the different countries I had visited. I was lucky, so lucky, to have had those opportunities, she said, and I realized how little I appreciated what was handed to me. Most of the time, I whined and complained when we went on trips. _Fuck, Europe again_, I would think. My parents had to drag me to the Eiffel Tower in Paris and the Coliseum in Rome. I refused to leave the hotel room in London because it was too fucking dreary and rainy. Emmett and I spent two weeks in Greece playing video games and watching porn while my parents were out sightseeing. I told her all of this, and she looked at me in disbelief as I described all that I had allowed to pass me by.

"So, it sounds to me, Edward, that you wanted the life that kids with no money had, while they wanted yours."

She thought that was hilarious.

She told me about her life growing up in a small town. I found her life to be as interesting as she found mine. They didn't have a lot of money, but her life was richer than mine in so many ways. It rained a lot in Forks – I got that right away. Her dad was the Police Chief, and she said that had its advantages and disadvantages. It was handy when she needed to get rid of a boy she didn't want and not so handy when she wanted to keep a boy she liked. Her dad was an intimidating man and was overprotective when it came to her, she said, but he gave her unconditional love and for that she would be eternally grateful. I knew I would have liked her dad. I liked that he protected his little girl. She was definitely worth protecting. I could see what he gave her – integrity, honor, kindness, a sense of humor. She was down to earth and didn't take herself too seriously, and I knew he was that way too. He started taking her fishing before she could walk. It was apparent those days with her dad were her most cherished memories. I could almost picture them on those lazy days, talking and laughing while they waited for the fish to bite, as she described them. She started to tear up as she remembered her dad, and I didn't know what to say so I just took her hand, and I think she liked that.

We sat in that restaurant for hours, talking and laughing. She was more than I thought she would be. She was more beautiful. She was funnier. She was smarter and more interesting. She was the most charming person I'd ever spent time with. I did not question what I felt as I listened to her, as she cried and laughed and let me know her. I was in the right place for the first time in my life. There was a feeling of comfort, of being home, and I wanted to stay in that moment forever.

We did not speak about past or present loves. There was an unspoken understanding that there were no present loves, and I said nothing to the contrary. I thought about telling her about the wedding of the year, but I didn't. I knew it would be the end before we even started, and I did not want it to end.

**********************.

_Ask no questions, and you'll be told no lies. - Charles Dickens, __Great Expectations_


	5. Change

**Thank you so much for reading and for the reviews. Hope you enjoy this chapter. Judy xoxoxoo**

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**Chapter Four. Change**

The only effort I ever put into anything in my life was to get good grades and win basketball and football games. These things came easily to me, though, and I really didn't have to give them that much thought. I never really gave anything in my life much thought. I did what I was taught, doing everything the Cullen way, and believed that was enough. I never wasted a thought on how I affected anyone. I never tried to deliberately hurt anyone, but I'm sure I did without realizing it. I also never wasted a thought on the opinions of others and didn't care what they thought of me. I was in a position where I did not need to care.

All of that changed when Bella came into my life. Everything about her became significant to me – every word she spoke, every expression on her face, every touch. It was the first time I wanted to make someone happy without feeling I was obligated to do so. It was the first time I wanted to give more than I took. I would have spent my fortune on her, but I knew that was not what she wanted or expected. She wanted other things, the things money couldn't buy, things I wasn't sure I was capable of giving to her in those first days of us.

Small details like how to say good night to her became important. I thought about how to do that as I walked her home after our first dinner. Should I kiss her? Should I just hug her? It was a situation I had never faced before. When I said goodnight to other dates, I usually had to pry their arms from around my neck and get away quickly. I was a 'catch', and most of them were not willing to let me go easily. I knew that would not be the case with Bella.

I was still undecided when we got to her apartment. I was leaning toward just hugging her and telling her how much I enjoyed the evening when she turned to me. She touched my face gently and kissed me. It wasn't a kiss that invited me into her bed, but I didn't expect that from her. Somehow I knew she did not give that part of herself easily, that it was as valuable to her as her time was. Her kiss wasn't confusing, and it surprised me at first that I understood it. I knew instinctively what she was telling me. She believed what I believed. We both knew that night was a beginning. Neither one of us knew what that meant, but we were willing to find out. We were willing to take a chance.

When I looked at her after that first kiss, that first touch, I made a choice. I chose to open my heart and allow myself to know what it was to love, to want, to need, to trust, and to give. It was the first decision of any importance or consequence that I had ever really made, and it would change the course of my life.

I didn't know quite what to expect after that night. I think I expected it to be hard because that's what I had always heard, that love was wonderful, but hard and a lot of work. That's what my friends told me, anyway, as they were getting as high and drunk as they possibly could when they having problems with their latest girlfriend. I actually prepared myself for some cluster fuck nightmare, knowing I was more than willing to do what I had to do to get through it with Bella.

But, it all was so easy. Unbelievably easy. I knew that was because of Bella, not because of me. She wasn't perfect and had her funny moods that I tried to understand and not take personally, but she was pretty fucking close to perfect, to me, anyway. She was a mix of what I considered to be the best traits a human being could possibly possess. She was patient and kind and had a wicked sense of humor. She knew who she was. what she wanted, and she always spoke her mind. She called me on my shit when it was appropriate, which happened more often than I liked, but yet, she still enjoyed being with me for some unknown reason. I knew that when I noticed she looked at me differently than she looked at anyone else. It was special, the way she looked at me.

That valuable time of hers? She spent it with me. She gave me every spare moment she had, and it truly was the best time in my life. The word 'magical' kept popping in my head when I was with her, and I was a little embarrassed and mystified that I was thinking like that, but that's what she did to me. Everything was different and possible, and I woke up happy, just knowing she was in my life.

We didn't do anything extravagant. We did simple things like going to the movies and taking long walks, exploring the city around us that neither one of us had really bothered to get to know. Bella loved searching through antique and second-hand stores, and dragged me into every shop she saw. I was a little repulsed and kind of snobbish about the whole second-hand store thing until I discovered I actually enjoyed rummaging around in other people's junk. I tried to take her out for some fancy dinners, but she preferred to search for out-of-the-way restaurants, the kind of place that has the most delicious food hidden in their ordinary, humble building. We ended up eating some really crappy food, but once in a while, we found exactly what we were looking for.

We found an old, musty used book store and lost ourselves there for hours, looking for obscure books we had never heard of. She read them to me while we lay on her window seat. I was right about that window seat – it was her favorite place, and soon it became mine. I could have stayed there forever, wrapped in those quilts and holding her close while she read. The first book we read was supposed to be a tragedy, but it was probably the worst written book of all time, and we laughed hysterically as she read it. I wanted to read something else after five torturous chapters, but she insisted we had to finish it. She knew there was some beauty in that book, and she was determined to find it. She was right. The last chapter was beautifully written and brought us both to tears.

That was Bella, always looking beyond what was apparent, what was visible, believing there was something good and wonderful somewhere beneath the flawed and the imperfect. She did that with me. She looked beyond the money, the status, and my sometimes selfish, entitled ways, and found someone good, someone kind, someone who was worth her time. I was different when I was with her. I discovered qualities in myself that I never imagined existed in the Cullen bloodline.

Our favorite thing to do was sit on her front porch and watch sunsets and stars while we ate dinner. She missed cooking for her dad, she told me, and was happy to finally have someone to cook for. We fell into this wonderfully comfortable routine after dinner. She washed, and I dried. I had never dried a dish in my life - we hired people to do that - and I laughed every time I thought about the night she handed me a dish towel.

I just stared at the foreign object in my hand.

"You… you want me to dry the dishes?"

She had to stop laughing before she could answer.

"It's a good skill to have, Edward. I think you'll be able to pick up the technique quite easily."

"Why don't you have a dishwasher? It's the 21st century, for God's sake. Everyone has a dishwasher."

"Oh, I don't know. I'm used to it, I guess. We didn't have a dishwasher, so I washed and my dad dried. He always read the paper when we ate dinner so doing the dishes together was our time to catch up and talk about our day. We had some great talks while we did the dishes. They're good memories, you know?"

I loved moments like that, those moments when she shared what was in her heart, and I couldn't help kissing her.

"What was that for?" she asked.

"For not having a dishwasher, for allowing me into your kitchen and your heart – that's what it was for."

At first, it surprised me when I said those things. I had never said words like that to anyone, but it was so easy, saying those things to her.

She was incredibly busy between the tutoring, the bartending and school. It was eye-opening as the days and weeks went by, watching how hard she worked to stay in school. I wondered if I could maintain the same level of commitment she had, but I didn't think I could. It made me realize how easy I had it, and I almost felt embarrassed by that. I felt uncomfortable about my wealth for the first time in my life. It wasn't Bella who made me feel uncomfortable; it was me. I don't think she even thought about it. She just went along, doing what she needed to do to stay in Harvard, and was happy to do it. She never once felt resentful. To her, Harvard was the opportunity of a lifetime, and she would do anything to keep the dream going. When she said that, I remembered how I whined when I was informed I was going to Harvard. It just seemed like a one giant pain in the ass to me, and I did exactly what I had to do, no more, no less. When I looked at it through her eyes, I realized how much time I had wasted, how many experiences I had missed.

I decided to volunteer at the Legal Aid clinic. I tried to tell myself I did it for completely unselfish reasons, but I knew that wasn't true. I actually did it to fill the hours I spent waiting for Bella. I had to do _something_. Before, I had spent the majority of my spare time partying, recovering from hangovers, and sleeping, but that ended when I met Bella. It wasn't a conscious decision - it just happened. Everything just fell into place, and I didn't feel the need to hide from my thoughts any longer. Those questions I didn't want to ask myself were being asked and answered as Bella became an essential part of my life.

It actually felt good to be giving back after having so much and never giving back to anyone or anything. That was one thing that was not expected of a Cullen - giving back. Oh, we gave generously to good causes and charities, but if those tax write-offs were to disappear, we wouldn't have donated a penny. We were selfish that way. Working with people who had problems, serious fucking problems, allowed me to find two qualities in myself I didn't know I had – compassion and empathy. I think those qualities were always there somewhere, but they weren't really necessary in the life I led. We weren't expected to care about things like a landlord who wouldn't spray for roaches in a single mom's infested apartment. Hell, our family probably owned a few buildings like that and ran them in the same exact way. We weren't expected to care about a woman who was fighting to keep food on the table for her children because their father chose to spend his court-ordered child support on a new car and his new girlfriend. We weren't expected to care about the man with terminal cancer who was facing eviction. There were so many things we weren't expected to care about that we, the lucky ones, the wealthy ones, should have cared about.

"I think I'm turning into some bleeding heart do-gooder, Bella. I'm scaring myself. So many problems to solve and so little time," I told her one night when we were doing the dishes after dinner.

"Welcome to the real world, Rich Boy," she said, laughing.

"I just don't know how a person wakes up in the morning, facing all these problems. I would be hiding under the covers. I give you peasants a lot of credit for even getting out of bed and attempting to deal with your dreary lives."

She flicked water at me.

"So much for your bleeding heart. Get out of my kitchen. Go sit down and relax."

"I have a surprise for you, Edward," she yelled from the kitchen. I immediately thought of something along the lines of a cake or pie or maybe her coming out of the kitchen naked. When she dropped a pile of textbooks on the window seat in front of me, I was definitely disappointed.

She smiled sweetly as I stared at them.

"What? It's our first tutoring session. I figured we might as well do this since you're here anyway. At least I won't have to worry about you not showing up. Oh, don't be so upset. You and Gramps are getting a deal - it's on the house."

And so began our study of Animal Law. She made it fun, a lot of fun. I had fifty classes to choose from, and I signed up for that odd little class I had no interest in. I wondered why the fuck I was even considering taking that class as I registered for it, but I knew why, sitting there on her window seat. It brought me to Bella. I never believed in fate, but I did that night.

I convinced her to bill my dickhead grandfather. I knew she needed the money.

"I should pay him for bringing you into my life."

"You don't really mean that."

"I always mean what I say. Come here," she said, as she threw the text books on the floor and pulled me close to her.

"You're so beautiful, Edward. Everything about you is beautiful."

"Bella…"

"Shhh… I don't believe in leaving anything unsaid, and I need to say this," she whispered. "I'm in love with you, Mr. Edward Cullen - hopelessly, madly in love with you - and I sincerely hope you love me back."

I felt like she gave me the world when she said that. When we whispered "I love you_"_ to each other after we made love for the first time, I knew I had the world.

I had everything. Nothing else mattered.

*********************.

_We changed again, and yet again, and it was now too late and too far to go back, and I went on. And the mists had all solemnly risen now, and the world lay spread before me. - Charles Dickens, __Great Expectations_


	6. I love

**Yup, another chapter. Don't ask my why I'm posting this now - I just am. A couple of people have asked how long this will be. The answer is I don't know. I'm still writing and will keep writing until the story is told. I'm not sure how many chapters that will take. There are a lot of questions from you guys about Edward and Tanya and Grandpa. Some of those questions will be answered in the next chapter. Thanks for reading and for all the lovely reviews! Judy xoxoxo**

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**Chapter Five. I love**

I love you.

When she whispered those three ridiculously simple, one syllable words, my life began.

The life I never imagined.

The life I never knew I wanted.

I loved. I knew how to love, and that is what surprised me the most. I made her happy, not by giving her things, but by giving myself. I saw that every time she looked at me. I felt that every time she touched me. I heard that every time she whispered "I love you" in my ear. That she loved me just as much as I loved her amazed me. We had an intimacy and closeness I didn't even know existed. I was more than I ever was with her. I was happy. I knew joy. I knew tenderness, passion and devotion.

It wasn't perfect – nothing ever is - but it was damn close to perfect. Making love to her was perfect, though. Waking up next to her in the morning was perfect. Watching her fall asleep in my arms was perfect. Sitting on the window seat in the morning, drinking coffee and reading the paper, while I listened to her sing as she cooked us breakfast was perfect. Holding her hand when we took a walk was perfect. Hearing her laugh was perfect. So was loving her. That was very fucking perfect.

I thought my wealth would be an issue, but she would never let that come between us. It was inconsequential to her. She didn't have a lot of extra money, and I paid for everything when we went out. That didn't bother her. I was practically living at her apartment and made sure the fridge was always full. That didn't bother her. I wanted to pay the rent. That bothered her, and she wouldn't allow it. She had to pay it whether or not I was there was her reasoning. When I wanted to help her pay her college expenses, she turned me down.

"Why, Bella? I have the money, for God's sake. It's not like it's a sacrifice for me. Being wealthy does have its advantages, you know. It's not all miserable, corrupting and soul-sucking."

She laughed and kissed me.

"You're such a goof. I like money. I like money a lot. It doesn't bother me that you're rich. In fact, I love having a rich boyfriend."

"Then is it a pride issue? If it is, don't let that stop you. I know how hard you work. You have nothing to prove. I would just like to make life a little easier for you, that's all. There are no strings attached. It wouldn't obligate you to me in any way."

"Nope, it isn't a pride issue. I appreciate the offer, and I know it comes from your heart. Honestly, I wouldn't mind the help, and maybe one day I'll take you up on it, but not now. I just don't think it's the right thing for us right now. Money is a funny thing. It can cause resentment even if you think it won't. I don't want anything getting in the way of us. You're much too important to me to take that chance so let's just put it on the back burner, okay? If you want to help me, you could do something else like… oh, I don't know… maybe vacuum?"

"Vacuum?"

I must have looked completely lost and terrified.

"Yes, Edward, vacuum. You know that big, noisy thing I push around the carpet a couple of times a week – that's a vacuum. I'll teach you how to use it. It's another good life skill to have."

And so our money conversation was put on hold, and my vacuuming career began. I guess I could have hired someone to do it, but I definitely had the time and actually found it quite satisfying in a weird sort of way. Bella laughed her ass off when I showed her how much crap there was in the dirt container before I emptied it and bitched at her to remember to wipe her feet. It was pretty disgusting to me, how much dirt I vacuumed up. I had no idea where it came from, and it drove me crazy. I wondered if other people had that much dirt on their carpet or if it was just us and researched it on the internet. I even conducted an experiment to see if there would be less dirt if we took our shoes off in the hallway, but no, there was just as much. I finally decided it was just one those mysteries of life I would never figure out, stopped my investigation, and upped my vacuuming to four times a week.

That's how life was with Bella. It was fun. Even vacuuming was fun.

The one thing I did insist on was taking her on a vacation. I wanted to see her relax, and I wanted her all to myself without sharing her with anyone or anything. It took some work, but I finally convinced her.

"So where do you want to go? It's your choice. Anywhere you want to go."

"Oh, I don't know. There's so many places I would love to see. How about… Atlantic City?"

"Atlantic City. Atlantic City is your dream destination?"

"Well, no. I thought… it's affordable. It won't cost that much to stay there."

"Bella. I could burn half my money in your fireplace, and I'd still be rich. Let me spend some of this money on you, on us, just this once. Believe me, I can afford to take you someplace nicer than Atlantic City. Not that there's anything wrong with Atlantic City. We can certainly go there one day if that's what you want. I just want this trip to be a little more special."

"Okay, okay. This is easy then. Paris. I want to go to Paris with you."

God, she was so excited. I thought she was going to hyperventilate on the plane, and I had to ply her with a few drinks just to get her to calm down. She was a little drunk and kept me completely amused. Well, I realized she was more than a little drunk later when she wanted to have sex and started taking off her clothes. There I was, trying to get her to keep clothes on, hoping no one would notice. I usually dreaded those long plane trips, but that trip with her was something to remember.

I booked a hotel with a view of the Eiffel Tower and took her out on the balcony to show her.

She started crying.

"Hey. Hey. What's this all about, Ms. Swan?"

"This trip, the way you love me… sometimes, Edward, you just overwhelm me. I feel like I'm living in a dream."

That made me smile as I kissed away her tears. That's exactly how I wanted her to feel. She deserved that.

If anything in life could be described as magnificent, it was our time in Paris. It couldn't have been more romantic as we explored every inch of that city. Even though I had been there before, it was as new and wonderful to me as it was to her as we laughed and loved our way through Paris.

We went to a little café every morning for breakfast and met another couple from the States. Their little six-year-old daughter fell in love with us for some reason and sat with us every morning instead of her parents. Well, she actually fell in love with Bella. Me, she just tolerated. I guess she would have been considered an adorable child, but she was just a little too precocious for me.

"What's your name, sweetie?" Bella asked the first time she came to sit with us.

"My name is Jaime. What's yours?"

"My name is Bella, and this is Edward."

"Hi, Edward! Is Bella your girlfriend?"

"Yes, she is."

"Do you kiss her?" she whispered.

"Yes, I do," I whispered back to her. "Every chance I get."

"Do you love her?" she whispered.

"Yes, I do. I love her very much."

She became bored with me at that moment and focused her attention on Bella.

"My name is French. It means 'I love'. Did you know that, Bella?"

"I didn't know that. Thank you for telling me something I didn't know. You're so smart, and you have a beautiful name. "

"Where are your kids?"

"We don't have any kids."

"Why?"

"Well, we haven't known each other that long, and we're still in school."

"You're old, and you're still in school? Are you guys dumb?"

I choked on my coffee when she said that, I was laughing so hard.

"No, we're not dumb – at least I'm not. I'm not too sure about Edward, though," Bella told her.

Jaime looked at me for a few seconds and said, "He looks kind of dumb."

Bella laughed and kicked me under the table. I guess I was supposed to find the kid insulting me funny and laugh along with her.

"Do you want a kid, Bella?"

"Yes, I do. I think I want a daughter, and I think I would name her Jaime, just like you. That's how much I love your name."

"What would she look like?"

Bella looked at me and smiled.

"Well, I think she would look like her dad. Look at Edward. She would have his green eyes and his crazy, beautiful hair."

I grabbed her hand and squeezed it after she said that. A daughter with Bella. I loved that until the kid ruined the moment.

"You want her to have his crazy hair? Ewww! She should have your hair. His hair is ugly."

I didn't know what I did to this kid, but she was pissing me off. Before I could stop myself, I stuck my tongue out at her.

She got up, stood right in front of me, and gave me a raspberry, spitting all over my face. I knew then I never wanted children.

Her parents saw her and made her sit at their table in time out. She was in a lot of trouble. She sat there, giving me dirty looks, and I just looked at her and smiled.

"Go ahead and give me dirty looks, kid," I thought. "You're the one who is sitting in time out, not me."

When were ready to leave, she was still giving me the ugly looks, and I laughed as I wiggled my fingers to say good bye to her.

"Bye bye, Jaime. You have great day."

"That was quite adult of you," Bella said, as we were walking away.

"I couldn't help it. She kept insulting me, Bella. You heard her."

"Oh, for God's sake, how old are you? She's a child, Edward, a six-year-old child. You got that poor kid in trouble."

"I don't care. She deserved that."

We walked for a while before I brought up the subject of our daughter.

"So you want a daughter who looks like me, do you?"

"Yeah, about that… I was going to mention that to you one of these days. I'm rethinking the whole thing, though, after seeing you with Jaime."

"Thank God," I said, as I pulled her to me and kissed her.

Jaime was nicer to me as the week went by, but she still threw in a few insults here and there. Bella made me promise to behave so I couldn't even stick my tongue out at her. It was very frustrating, especially when she couldn't resist getting in one more insult on our last morning in Paris.

"Remember, Bella, don't let your daughter have Edward's hair. It is _ug-a-lee_," she whispered in her ear, making sure it was loud enough for me to hear.

Bella couldn't stop laughing when we were walking back to the hotel.

"Well, Edward, you certainly have a way with children, don't you?"

"I think my own child might like me a little more than she did."

"Let's hope that's true," she said, still laughing.

**************.

Bella was sad when we left Paris. She loved it there so much.

I gave her a beautiful snow globe of Paris as a memory of our trip and made her a promise.

"We'll be back, Bella. I promise you. We'll be back."

**************.

_There are moments of such pure, sublime, unparalleled perfection that they will force you to close your eyes and hold on to them as best you can. Life is a series of these moments. Everything else is just waiting for them. __—Iain Thomas, __I Wrote This For You_


	7. My World

**Hi! Happy Friday! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! Judy xoxoxo**

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**Chapter Six. My World**

He came a week after we got home from Paris. His limo pulled to the curb when I was walking to class. I stopped and just stood there, looking at the Cullen crest my douche bag grandfather had painted on the door. God, I hated it. It represented a world I didn't belong in any more, a world I didn't want to belong in any more. I was standing in the world I belonged in. I wasn't surprised by the resentment I felt toward him for intruding uninvited.

It had been so easy to forget his world. I felt completely separate and disconnected from it as I lived and loved in the world Bella and I created. I didn't talk to my family very often, even before I met Bella. We weren't that way. I guess we were close, but not in that 'chat on the phone every week' kind of way. Tanya was the easiest part of that life to forget. I wasn't necessary in her life. It was my name, my wealth and the Cullen power that was necessary, not me. I was just a player in her wedding of the year event. When she did call, I could easily put her off. She didn't seem to be bothered by that or even notice it, for that matter. She just went back to her world of wedding planning, basking in the attention that being the fiancé of Edward Cullen brought her.

When he rolled down the window and summoned me into the car, I continued to stand there. I knew how our conversation would go. I knew I would tell him I could not fulfill what was expected of me, that I didn't want to go back to his world. I certainly didn't want to bring Bella into it. She was too good for that world. I knew I would tell him I wanted to be free of the expectations that had followed me throughout my life. I would tell him I wanted to teach, that I wanted to do something that mattered, not just make more money to build the family fortune. I would also tell him I was going back to end my engagement. I had decided to tell Tanya in person - it just seemed like the right thing to do.

Bella knew some of those things. She knew I wasn't going back to that world, that I was different and wasn't capable of going back. She knew my future was with her, and she knew I was going back to tell them. She knew all those things, but she didn't know everything. That was my only regret in the time I was with her, that she didn't know everything. I should have told Bella the truth the first night I went out with her. My only excuse, as pathetic as it was, was that life, my impending marriage, Tanya – none of that was real. It didn't exist. Nothing existed except Bella. I knew I would tell her, though, when I came back to her once I had wiped my slate clean, just as I would tell her about my grandfather's visit. I owed her that. I owed her the truth. I knew I would disappoint the one person I never wanted to disappoint, but I knew we would get through it, that she would forgive me for my stupidity.

"Grandfather. This is a surprise. What brings you here," I asked, as I climbed in the car.

"Do I need a reason? I just thought I would drop in to see how my grandson is doing."

I knew that wasn't true. He never just dropped in on anyone just to see how they were; he wasn't that kind of man. There was always a reason.

"You look well, Edward. Content is the word I would use, I think."

"Yeah, I'm doing okay."

"And the tutoring. How is that going?"

"Good. My grade is up."

"And the tutor? How is she?"

"What?"

"The tutor. What's her name? Oh, yes. Bella Swan."

When he said her name, it sounded filthy, lewd. I hated him for that.

"Why would you be interested in Bella?"

"Well, my grandson is spending a lot of time with her – living in her shithole apartment and whisking her off to Paris – so, of course, I'm very curious."

"And you know this how?"

"Oh, Edward, you can be so naïve. I have my ways. Think of it as monitoring my investment. Do you want anything? Water? Iced tea? Help yourself, son. Grab me a water, will you?"

I handed him the bottle and waited for him to take a sip.

"Now don't get me wrong. If I was your age, I would be all over that woman. She's a knockout. Smart, too. You can't beat a smart woman. They're so damn interesting, aren't they? You can actually have a conversation with them after you fuck their brains out."

I thought I would kill anyone if they ever spoke that way about Bella, but I had no desire to do that. I could only feel sorry for him. What a sad, pathetic human being he was.

He took another sip of water and smiled.

"Not like that fiancé of yours, is she? Tanya is a nice girl, but so superficial and not very smart. Now don't worry, I haven't mentioned your little affair to her. Cullen men don't do that. We know to keep these things private."

"It's not an affair. I'm in love with her."

"You're in love with her? Well, that's even better. There's nothing like a great piece of ass with a little love mixed in."

"You're a real asshole, you know that?"

"So protective of Ms. Swan. That's sweet, Edward, very sweet. You've also grown some balls. That's good. It will serve you well in the future."

"Why don't you just get to the point of this visit?"

"And put an end to this fun little conversation? Oh, alright, if you insist. I came to remind you of your obligations. I'm curious. Does your Bella know about them?"

"That's none of your business."

"You are touchy when it comes to the lovely Bella, aren't you? I bet you think I'm going to tell you to give her up. Don't worry about that. You can keep your Bella. After you're married, you can set her up in a nice apartment, much nicer than any place she has ever lived in, I imagine, and see her whenever you want. See how nicely that works out? You can keep your little tutor after all."

I don't know how I remained calm after that, but I did. He was trying to get to me in any way he could, and I knew it would piss him off when he couldn't. That was my grandfather, always manipulating, always wanting the upper hand, always needing to win.

"I'm not marrying Tanya. I'm going back to tell her the week before graduation. I was also going to tell you I decided not to go into the family business, but here you are. It looks like my trip will be shorter than I thought it would be. I'm going to teach. You'll have to find someone else to do your dirty work. "

"You disappoint me, Edward. I told you to never disappoint me."

"Well, Grandfather, I don't know what to tell you. I guess you're just going to have to learn how to deal with disappointment. This is _my_ life. _I_ choose how to spend it, not you."

"You sound just like your fucking Uncle Carlisle. He was a weak man, Edward. I'd hate to see you go down that same road. "

"You know, it's funny. I never understood him, never understood how he could turn his back on you, on his family. Now, I finally understand what Uncle Carlisle stood for. You called him foolish for walking away, but he wasn't foolish. He knew what was valuable in life. He loved, Grandfather. He loved Esme just as much I love Bella. He loved in a way you are not capable of. The smartest thing he ever did was get away from you."

I knew I had wounded him, as much as anyone could wound my grandfather, anyway. That was the only vulnerability my grandfather had – my uncle. Many in my family thought he was bitter because of love, but I knew better. I knew he was bitter simply because he lost. My grandfather didn't like losing.

When he spoke again, his voice was cold.

"Get out. I'm done with you."

I felt good as I walked to class. I felt strong and sure of myself, and I felt free. The worst was over, I thought.

_*************************._

The night before I left, I sat at the bar, listening to Bella sing _At Last. _I knew she was singing to me. She wouldn't perform that song unless I was there no matter how much the crowd yelled for it. When she looked at me while she was singing, I thought about that first time I heard her sing it, how life changing it was for me. I found out later that was the first time she ever performed _At Last_. She told me she sang to me that night also. She somehow knew it would mean something to us, and she was right - it was our song. That always made me smile. I never thought I'd have a song with anyone.

She mesmerized me when she was up on that stage. She gave everything – her heart, her mind, her soul - when she was singing. She lost herself in a song, and she took you into it right along with her. You forgot your problems or the bad day you had just for that few minutes, just for that one song. You thought of other things - like the night you found love or maybe the night you lost it. She could bring you to tears in one song and make you smile in the next. Bella touched people when she was singing. Some people said they felt like she somehow got into their heads, grabbed their memories and put them in her songs. I knew it was her passion that made them feel that way, that passion she had that came from somewhere deep inside her.

"So, was I okay tonight?" she asked after her set was over.

"Come here, Bella."

She moved a couple of inches forward.

"Closer."

She moved another inch.

"Closer."

She moved a couple of more inches.

"Closer."

She moved another inch. I laughed, pulled her to me and gave her a kiss.

"Why don't you watch this, and see for yourself," I told her, as I held up my phone.

"You recorded me?"

"Yes, I did. I wanted to have you while I'm gone. I think I'm also going to record us while we make love tonight so get ready for your porn debut," I said, wiggling my eyebrows a couple of times.

"Well, I don't how you're going record it while you're doing some of the things I've been thinking about all day, but more power to you if you can," she said, laughing.

I pulled her closer to me and whispered in her. "You feel that, baby. I'm hard just thinking about it. Let's get out of here."

"Slow down, Romeo. I have another two hours left on my shift."

"Shit, that's right. Okay, back up and move away from me now. I can't calm down with you so close. Here. Watch your video."

"I'll watch it later. I have to get back to work."

"Hey, wait just a minute. Seriously, do you really not know how fucking talented you are, or are you just fishing for compliments, my lovely lady?"

"I guess I did alright."

"Bella, you blew me away. You blew everyone away, baby. You have a gift, a gift you should share."

"I am sharing it, Edward. I shared it tonight."

"You should think about pursuing a career."

"I'm almost done with being a starving student. Do you really think I want to be a starving artist?"

"I'll take care of you. I'll support you in any way possible, including financially."

"You know, sometimes I think you come up with these ideas just so you can spend your money on me. This seems to be an obsession of yours."

"No doubt I would love to spend it all on you, but that isn't what this is about."

"What's it about then?"

"I just don't want you to look back years from now and regret not trying it. You'll have that law degree in your hand next week. The law is always something you can fall back on if it doesn't work out. Will you at least think about it? For me?"

"Oh no, that look doesn't work on me," she said, laughing.

"What look?"

"What you think is your most adorable, charming, sincere, eye fuck, 'please do what I want you to do' look."

"You're crazy. I don't do that," I said, even though I knew I did. It was a very useful expression, especially in bed with her.

"You know damn well you do, but that's okay. Maybe you can use it tonight," she said, as she wiggled _her_ eyebrows a couple of times and laughed. "Of course I'll think about it. You know I would do anything for you."

She would. She would do anything for me. I knew that.

"I'll tell you what, baby. My first CD, if I ever make a CD, will be dedicated to you. I already know what I'll say. _To Edward, who always wanted me to share my voice. Thank you for sharing yourself with me. I love you."_

_*************************._

_You are the best part of all the songs I love.__ —Iain Thomas, __I Wrote This For You_


	8. I've Got This

**Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! Judy xoxoxo**

**And so it begins...**

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**Chapter Seven. I've Got This**

It took me an hour to leave her. I told myself to quit fucking around, that I had to get to the airport, but I kept going back to her for one more kiss, one more hug, one more look at her. I almost didn't go. I almost didn't leave her, but I did. I didn't know then how much that decision would cost us. Everything would have been different if I had just crawled back into bed with her.

*******************.

It felt odd, walking back into the house I had grown up in. I forgot how huge it was. The house screamed, _'We have too much damn money so we spend it on expensive shit we don't really need'_. Just stepping through the front door was an assault to common sense. The house didn't have an entrance way; it had an entrance hall that was at least five times the size of our apartment. I could have financed Bella's entire Harvard education just on the overpriced crap my mother bought to fill up that useless space.

The only person who came to greet me was my mother's personal assistant, Leah. I wasn't surprised by how happy I was to see her. She had been a constant in my life, someone I actually saw more than my parents growing up. I couldn't remember a time when she wasn't there running the house. That's how enormous the house was – it actually needed a full time person to manage it. When I asked how she was and about her family, she gave me a strange look. I realized it was the first time I had ever asked about her or her personal life. My past conversations with her were all about me - my needs, my wants, my life.

"You're different," she said.

"I am."

"You're happy."

"I am. I'm very happy."

I told her about Bella.

"Good for you, Edward. Don't let the bullshit around here get in the way, you hear?"

"I won't let that happen. I promise. "

"Your parents wanted to be here, but your dad had to extend his business trip an extra day. They send their love."

"Mom is with Dad? On a business trip?" I was shocked by that.

Leah smiled. She also managed my parent's extramarital affairs in a way and knew I was aware of them. Usually, the latest girlfriend went with my dad on business trips, not Mom.

"Yes, she is. They've been spending more time together lately. It's kind of sweet. "

I liked that. I liked that more than I thought I would. It was nice to hear my parents were together, enjoying each other's company.

I called Tanya, but couldn't reach her. I called her mom and found out she had to go out of town unexpectedly and would return in a couple of days. It reminded me of how thoughtless Tanya could be. She was the only reason I made the trip, and it pissed me off that she didn't even bother calling me to let me know she was leaving. It was kind of unreasonable to be pissed off when all I was going to do was break up with her, but it annoyed me anyway. I should have done it over the fucking phone, I thought.

I decided to take advantage of the ridiculously large pool and get some sun. I wanted to call Bella, but she was in class and tutoring afterward.

I was almost asleep when I received a text from my brother.

_Hey, fuckhead. I'm in the neighborhood also. Last night here. Dinner? The club?_

The country club - ritzy, pretentious and full of rich snobs – was the last place I wanted to be.

_Anywhere except the club, asshole._

_Ah, you're tastes have changed, douche bag. Thank fucking God. What time should I pick you up?_

_Seven, shithead._

That's how it was with Emmett - easy. Emmett was a good guy, always happy, always smiling. He was one of the rare, lucky Cullen men who actually loved the 'appropriate' woman he married. I didn't see my older brother often. He worked in the Australian office and lived an uncomplicated life there with Rose. He liked it that way. He stayed as far away from Grandfather as he could - it was no secret he hated the man. Not that Grandfather thought that much of Emmett. He tolerated him and gave him a good job and a good living, but Emmett disappointed him. My brother was a good man, a decent man, a kind man, and would never be the powerful Cullen man Grandfather wanted him to be. Emmett just didn't have it in him. It's not that he didn't try, because he did. He just didn't possess the ruthlessness and selfishness that was required to be a success in my Grandfather's eyes.

*******************.

"So, Golden Boy, look at you. You're all grown up. You're almost a man."

"Good to see you also, Em, but don't call me Golden Boy. It pisses me off." I hated it when called me that. He did it all the time when we were growing up just to irritate me.

"You're the apple of Grandfather's eye, Edward, in some cold, cruel, calculating way I'll never understand. You always have been."

"Yeah, well, I'm not the Golden Boy any longer. I'm taking a different path."

He looked at me for a few moments, trying to figure out what was different about me.

"You met someone, didn't you?"

"I did. Her name is Bella. Do you want to see her? I have a video."

"Porn of your girlfriend? Sure, I'd love to see that."

That made me smile when I thought about my silly idea of videoing us while we made love the night before. Bella was right about that. I was way too busy trying to fulfill all that she demanded from me to even think about picking up my phone.

"It's not porn, asshole. She's singing. She's unbelievably talented."

I swear he teared up as he watched the video. I was surprised when he watched it two more times.

"Wow. I'm blown away here, Edward. She's beautiful. And very, very talented. What I like about her the most, though, is the way she's looking at you. The love she has for you is just pouring out of her. You deserve that. I can't wait to meet her."

"You'll love her. She changed my life, Em."

"And this means you won't be marrying Tanya, of course."

"Yes, it does. That's why I'm here – to tell her."

"Well, that's great fucking news. That was surely destined to be a marriage from hell. I didn't think I could do the whole Best Man thing at that wedding and was actually trying to come up with an excuse to get out of it. Thank Bella for me. She is saving me from a whole lot of bullshit. What about the family business thing?"

"Not doing that either. I'm going to teach."

"No shit? I'm proud of you, kid. Does dickhead know?"

"Yes, he knows. He gave me the usual '_You disappoint me, Edward' crap. _You know, the whole song and dance."

"So… how does it feel, telling him to fuck off in your nice, preppy way?"

"It feels great actually. It really does. It feels fucking great."

He grabbed my arm as I was getting out the car.

"He won't let you go easily, Edward. You don't know what that fucker's capable of so be careful. Don't let him destroy your happiness."

"It's cool, Em. Don't worry. I've got this. Really. For once in my life, I know what the fuck I'm doing. But, thanks for looking out for me."

*******************.

I was anxious to talk to Bella and tell her about Emmett and Leah. I knew she was worried about me, and I wanted to tell her I had a good day, seeing the best of the people in the world I was leaving behind. I wasn't worried when she didn't answer. She probably just fell asleep and forgot her phone was on vibrate, I thought. She did that a lot.

I did worry when I couldn't get in touch with her the next day. I called every ten minutes for the rest of the day and texted between calls. I was frantic by that evening and called the bar.

"Edward, I'm glad you called," Ben said.

I knew it wasn't good when he said that.

"Why? What's going on?"

"It's Bella. I was a little worried after she called me last night."

"Oh, thank God you talked to her. Is she okay? Where is she?"

"That's the thing, Edward. She didn't sound right. I was hoping you would know what's going on."

"No, I don't. I'm out of town and have been trying to get in touch with her. Tell me what she said."

"She said… she called me right before closing. It was kind of strange. Her picture usually pops up when she calls me, but this call showed up as an unknown number. Anyway, I guess that doesn't matter. She quit. She just up and quit. She apologized for leaving me shorthanded, but said she couldn't help it. I was worried and just went over to the apartment to check on her. The door was open so I went in. I'm sorry, man. I don't know how to tell you this."

He hesitated before he spoke again.

"The place is empty except for your stuff, Edward. She's gone."

*******************.

_The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another. - James Matthew Barrie_


	9. Unlove

**Okay, I have been officially guilted into posting this chapter. And now all the guilt cards have been played (ha!). I think this chapter will answer all the questions that are out there. It will also create more - I'm pretty sure of that. Thank you for reading and reviewing. I'm blown away by the response to this story. I didn't expect it. Judy xoxoxo**

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**Chapter Eight. Unlove**

Inevitably, we all experience loss. We grieve, all of us, when we face a loss that is incomprehensible to us at some point in our life. They say everyone goes through the same emotions, the same process, when they grieve. Whatever the loss is - death, divorce or someone simply walking out of your life - the stages of grief are the same. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. To heal, we must go through these stages. Some people, though, some people can never get through them. They get stuck in one of those stages and never heal. I was one of those people. Bella brought many new, unfamiliar feelings and emotions into my life, feelings and emotions I embraced and celebrated, but I would curse her for introducing me to loss. I would curse the day I met her.

*************************.

Denial. That one was easy for me.

I didn't know what the fuck was going on, but I was unwavering in my belief that she did not leave me. I knew she wasn't gone. I knew she was somewhere waiting for me.

I called her over and over. I willed her to answer. I begged her to answer.

"Come on, baby, please. Please. Please. _Come on._ Answer the phone."

It was ridiculous, calling her so many times, but that phone was the only connection I had to her. Every time I called, I knew she would answer. When she didn't, I knew she would answer the next call. Or the next. Or the next. Or the next. I knew everything would be okay if she would just answer the fucking phone.

I will never know what I would have done if Leah hadn't been there. She made arrangements for the company plane to fly me back, packed my suitcase, drove me to the airport, and had a car waiting for me when I landed.

"If you need anything, call me," she said when she hugged me goodbye.

"I can't involve you in this any more than you already are, Leah. I'll get you fired."

"Stop worrying about me. I can take care of myself. You just find your girl, Edward, and get your happy ending."

*************************.

As I walked up the stairs to the apartment, I convinced myself she would be there, sitting on the window seat reading, wrapped in those quilts she loved. I knew she would look up when she heard the door open and smile when she saw me because she always smiled when she saw me. I knew she would run to me, jump in my arms, and tell me how much she had missed me. I didn't hesitate when I opened the door, knowing she was on the other side of it. I see now that I had to tell myself those things. I could not have walked into that empty apartment if I hadn't imagined her there, waiting for me.

I stood there in the doorway for a few minutes, looking at the emptiness. The colors, all the colors Bella brought into my life, were gone. The life that we lived was gone. She was gone. I saw nothing of her. Not one thing. I walked into the apartment and looked in every room for anything that belonged to her that showed she had once been there with me, something that proved she even existed. I finally found a charm, a heart shaped charm that fell off her bracelet months before, in the corner where the bed was and smiled as I put it in my pocket. Her dad had given it to her, and she was so upset when she lost it. We looked for that damn charm for days until we finally gave up. I couldn't wait to give it to her. That's the first thing I'll do when I find her, I thought. It would make her so happy.

That apartment had been my world, and I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay there in all those memories and think about her. I wanted to sit on that window seat and cry, but there was no time to remember or cry. I needed to find Bella.

I had no idea how to do that. I didn't know how to look for a person who was there one day and gone the next. I called and texted her every hour. I went to the police, and they wished me good luck. You can file a missing person report in three days if you wish, sir, but it doesn't look like she's missing. It looks like she left and doesn't want to be found, they told me. I talked to the landlord to find out if she mentioned where she was going. I tracked down her friends and the students she tutored, and sat in the library, waiting for her to walk in. I went to the graduation ceremony, the milestone we were both so excited about, and walked around, looking for her. I tried to get information from the school. When I didn't know what else to do, I went to the bar and talked to her customers and the people who loved her, asking them the same questions over and over. When I ran out of people to talk to, I just sat at the bar, nursing a beer, until it closed.

"When's the last time you slept, Edward," Ben asked as he locked up the bar.

"I don't know. Two days ago. Three days ago. I'm not sure."

"Man, you gotta sleep. You're going to collapse. Do you have a place to stay? If you don't, you're more than welcome to stay at my place."

"Thanks, but I have a hotel room. I would just keep you up, anyway. I just can't sleep. Maybe I could if I knew she was okay, but I don't even know that."

"Do you think she went back to Forks? I don't know why she would since she has no family there, but you never know…"

"Yeah, I thought of that. I'm flying there in the morning."

"I'm so sorry, Edward. I don't even know what to say to you. You'll find her. You will. I know Bella. She wouldn't do this unless she had a damn good reason. That reason isn't you, Edward. She loves you. God, how she loves you."

I knew that. I never once doubted it. That's what kept me going.

*************************.

I tried to sleep, but it was hopeless. My mind wouldn't allow it. There were too many thoughts fucking with my head. I tried to ignore them, but there was one that was too loud, one that screamed at me, one that I knew to be true.

_"You should have told her about Tanya, you dumb fuck." _

Except I wasn't a dumb fuck. I was an arrogant fuck.

I knew it would always haunt me, that arrogance I had, thinking I could juggle and manipulate the bullshit that was my life and wrap it all up in one nice little package because that was what I was used to in my rich, entitled life. I was used to everything being wrapped up in one nice little package. I was used to getting what I wanted, and what I wanted was Bella. I was disappointed in myself when I realized I hadn't changed as much as I thought I had, but I knew I would have a second chance to be better, that I could show her I had learned and would never disappoint her again.

I admitted to myself I wasn't going to find her on my own and decided to hire a private investigator the next day before I flew to Forks. The whole thing was crazy. You love a girl, she loves you, and then the girl disappears, and you hire a PI to find her. I felt like I was living in some crappy tragic novel, except it wasn't a novel, it was fucking reality. I gave up on calling her and sent her one last text message, asking her to at least let me know she was alright. That's all I wanted at that moment – just to know she was alright.

I was researching investigators on my phone when he knocked on my door. I wasn't surprised; in fact, I had been waiting for him. I knew my grandfather would show up eventually.

I knew Bella leaving was his doing. He had warned me not to disappoint him, and I blew him off. I was naïve and stupid and thought he was bluffing. I underestimated the lengths my grandfather would go to hold on to me, and Bella paid the price for that. I didn't believe anyone would or could do something like actually get rid of a person. I thought crap like that only happened in the movies. I thought he would cut me off from the money or never speak to me again, all consequences I was prepared to accept. I didn't think my grandfather, as manipulating, controlling and mean-spirited as he was, would do anything other than that. I had it all figured out and under control and left Bella alone like the idiot I was while I ran off to do the 'right thing' with Tanya as if she fucking deserved it.

I walked to the door slowly, thinking about how I was going to kill my grandfather. It was the first time I ever thought about killing anyone. I wanted to beat him to death slowly, but I was just too exhausted, so I decided to strangle him. Strangling sounded good, and I knew I would have enough energy to do that. I wanted him to suffer, and I thought he would for at least a few minutes if I strangled him slowly enough. The last thing he would see was the hate, contempt, and the loathing I had for him and that would satisfy me.

"You need to go. You don't want to be alone in this room with me tonight," I told him when I opened the door.

Just as I said that, his assistant moved into my view. James wasn't really his assistant – he was too fucking dumb. He was my grandfather's bodyguard.

"Ah, you brought protection. Good thinking. What do you want? Did you come to gloat? Is that what I owe this middle of the night visit to?"

"We need to talk, Edward."

"We don't have anything to say to each other. You won, Grandfather. You did it. She's gone. Enjoy the rest of your evening," I said as I started to close the door.

My grandfather looked at James and jerked his head toward the door. James immediately put his arm out and stopped it from closing.

They came into the room and remained standing while I sat down on the bed. I was going to ask him for something. It was humiliating for me to ask, but I had to. I needed to do anything I could to find Bella.

"Please tell me where she is. If you don't know, can you please help me find her? I don't know how to find her, and I'm going crazy, wondering where she is. Obviously, you're good at finding people – you track every fucking move I make. Will you please help me?"

"Bella doesn't want to be found, Edward."

"What did you do? Scare the living shit out of her? Or did you have your thug over there do it? Or maybe you took Tanya. Yeah, I bet Tanya went. She would enjoy shit like that."

"I didn't scare her in any way. I had no intention of contacting Bella, none at all. I truly hate to tell you this because I know it will hurt you, but you need to know the truth. I didn't call her. She called me."

"You're lying."

"No, I'm not lying. She called a couple of days before you left and asked me to come over to talk the morning you flew out. I knew what she wanted when she told me she'd been waiting to hear from me, but couldn't wait any longer. I think her exact words were, _'I have people to see and places to go, so let's get this show on the road, Grandpa'_."

I knew telling me that was a satisfying moment for him even though he tried to appear kind and sympathetic. He even put his hand on my shoulder to comfort me. I remember looking at his hand, wondering what it was doing there. It was peculiar to me, feeling the weight of his hand on my shoulder - it was the first time in my life he had ever touched me. I stood up to get away from his touch. It wasn't loving or compassionate; it was possessive.

"I went to see her alone. No one else was involved. She knew about Tanya. She said she knew about Tanya all along. She laughed about it, about you thinking she wouldn't know that. She drove a hard bargain. She actually impressed me as she negotiated the amount she wanted to walk out of your life. She was that good. I would have offered her a job on the spot if the circumstances were different. I ended up giving her twice the amount I was prepared to pay. I thought about giving her nothing and going to you immediately, but I knew you wouldn't have believed me. I needed proof."

James handed him his briefcase. He opened it slowly, as if he wanted to relish the moment, and took out some papers.

"You need to look at these and find out who your Bella really is," he said, as he handed them to me.

I didn't believe a word he was saying, but I looked at them out of curiosity before I threw them at him.

"There is nothing you can show me that will ever convince me that Bella doesn't love me, that she took money from you. This cancelled check and contract mean nothing. Her signature means nothing. You could have easily forged it. "

"Well, you are right about that contract. It does mean nothing, although, Bella didn't seem to know that. I was surprised by that. I feel sure she will she abide by the confidentiality clause. I thought it was a nice touch, though. It did add a nice dramatic flair as she signed it."

I just watched him, fascinated by the pleasure I saw on his face as he tried to destroy my life. It was the smile on his Neanderthal, knuckle dragging bodyguard that finally brought me to my limit.

I walked over to the door and opened it.

"Get out. And take your moron sidekick with you."

"Do I know my grandson or what, James? Didn't I tell you what he would say when I handed him those papers," he asked the knuckle dragger while he took a folder out of his briefcase.

"You sure did. It's a good thing I followed her."

I had James against the wall, my hands wrapped around his neck, before I realized what I was doing.

"You followed her? Tell me where she is, or I'll kill you, you motherfucker."

"Take care of this, James. Gently, James. Remember who he is," my grandfather told him.

James nodded and was holding me down on the floor in two seconds. I struggled to get myself free, cursing both of them while I did.

"Edward, my boy, you know this is futile. James is twice as strong as you are. Stop struggling so I can get him off of you."

"Okay, okay. I'm calm. Just tell me where she is, Grandfather. Please. Just do that for me."

"We believe she's in Paris."

Paris. She was waiting for me in Paris. That made so much sense to me, and I kicked myself in the ass for not thinking of it sooner.

"Thank you," I whispered as I started to pack my suitcase.

"She's not alone."

I turned to him.

"What did you just say?"

"I didn't want to tell you this, but you leave me no choice. She was with someone, another man."

That was unimaginable to me.

"What happened to you to make you so vindictive? Why would you lie like this?"

"I have pictures of them. I told James to take pictures. I knew you wouldn't believe me."

"Give them to me."

He gave me six photos. None of the photos showed the man she was with very clearly. There was a picture of Bella walking through the airport from behind. He had his arm was around her. She was facing the camera in the second photo. The man stood in front of her, his back to the camera, and had his finger under her chin, tilting her face up to look at him. Bella was smiling just a bit. They were hugging in the third and fourth photos. The fifth and sixth pictures were shots of them kissing. I wasn't sure if that's what they were doing, but that's what it looked like to me. I could see the flight information on the sign in the background. Paris, it said – the flight was going to Paris.

I sat down in a chair and looked at the photos carefully, one by one. They looked authentic, but I could not accept the reality of them.

"This isn't Bella. She wouldn't do this," I kept repeating.

"We are going to leave and give you some privacy," my grandfather said after watching me for a while.

I didn't acknowledge either of them as they walked to the door. My grandfather called my name before he walked out, and I looked up.

"Come home, son. Come home. That is where you belong. That is where you are meant to be."

I sat in that chair for hours. Eventually, I stopped looking at the photos and made up my mind to continue looking for her. I had to find out what the truth was, and I needed to hear it from her.

My phone vibrated, indicating I had a text message, and I walked to the nightstand where I left it. I saw her name and couldn't open the message fast enough. In the end, no matter what bullshit my grandfather handed me, I believed in her. I believed in us.

A few seconds later, I believed in nothing. Her message was short, and it was cruel.

_ I'm okay so you can stop calling and texting. Don't try to find me. It's over._

After, I slept. All I wanted to do was sleep because when you sleep, you don't think about things like betrayal and loss or wonder how the fuck you are going to get through the days without her. When you sleep, you don't feel, and that's what I wanted. I slept for two days. When I woke up, I let go of her. I let go of everything, everything that was good, everything that brought me joy and made me happy.

When I was done letting go of everything, I packed my bags and went home.

*************************.

_You should know that there is something worse than hate, and that is unlove. _

_Because hate is anger over something lost, hate is passion, hate is misguided, it's caring for the wrong things, but it is still caring. _

_But unlove, unlove is to unkiss, to unremember, to unhold, to undream, to undo everything that ever was and leave smooth stone behind in its wake._

_No fire. _

_No fury._

_Just, nothing._

_And that is worse than hate._

_—Iain Thomas, I Wrote This For You_


	10. Momentos

**Well, it's cold and snowing a bit here in Colorado, and I can't sleep so here I am a little early. Not much sympathy for Edward after the last chapter! I wonder how you all will feel about him after this chapter. Let me know! Again and always - thank you so much for reading and reviewing. Judy xoxoxoxo**

* * *

**Chapter Nine. Momentos**

The mementos of a love that is lost…

Everyone has them – a picture, a ring, a love letter, a silly card, or maybe a stone you picked up on a walk to remember the day you fell in love. They are reminders of better days, of what you had, and what you would never have.

Some mementos aren't things. They aren't tangible. You can't touch them or hold them in your hand. You can't tuck them away in a drawer to escape them. Those momentos are the wounds to your soul. You carry them around somewhere deep inside you, and sometimes, they just can't be healed. They destroy your hope and your trust and belief in anything good little by little. You see no future. Your dreams die. _You_ die in a way, slowly, very slowly.

Sometimes, though, those mementos, those wounds, destroy you all at once. You have everything, and then you have nothing, and you are stunned by the emptiness that surrounds you. That's what the momentos she left behind did to me. They destroyed me quickly, suddenly, instantly. I walked into my parents' house caring about nothing, wanting nothing, believing in nothing, and feeling nothing.

Leah was there to greet me. She gave me a hug and whispered in my ear.

"Don't do this. This is your grandfather. His fingerprints are all over this. Turn around and look for her. Find out what happened."

I wanted to be grateful for her concern for me, but I wasn't. I took her arms off of me and looked at her coldly.

"Don't mention this again, Leah. Stay out of my personal business."

She resigned that afternoon. She didn't even give notice. She told my mom she was sick of the Cullen bullshit as she walked out the door.

I didn't care.

I went to work immediately and took to it well. I put those mementos to good use and let them bring out all the qualities my grandfather always knew I had. I no longer disappointed him. I was the apple of his eye.

I no longer felt joy. I didn't feel anything relatively close to happiness. I felt satisfied at times when I closed a big business deal or did well at the golf course and beat one of the those pompous CEO fuckers I despised and was forced to keep company with. That's as close as I came to feeling anything good. I worked as much as I could, burying myself in mergers and acquisitions and making as much money as I possibly could. I hated small talk and 'chatting' with people. I was polite to my family and short, cold and abrupt to everyone else.

I married Tanya.

Tanya loved me. It turned out she loved me all along, for as long as she could remember, is what she told me two weeks before our wedding. That took me by surprise. I didn't forsee that unfortunate development in my marriage of convenience, expecting an almost business-like arrangement, simple and uncomplicated. She would go her way, and I would go mine until we were required to play the happy couple at a business dinner or some other function – that's the way I thought it would be. I tried to be kind, gentle, when I told her I didn't love her, that I would never love her, but I was neither. Love. That was the last fucking thing I wanted to deal with, and I was furious she even said the word.

I didn't expect her to call off the wedding. It wasn't in Tanya to walk away from anything she wanted. She was so used to getting everything she wanted in her life, and she was very sure she would get me.

"I want you, and I know you will love me. I know we can be happy," she told me.

A better man would have walked away, but I was not that man. I had to marry someone, and it was very convenient, marrying Tanya. She was suitable, the wedding was planned, and I didn't have to put any effort into it. I did not go into that marriage intending to deliberately hurt her, though. I knew Tanya. She was spoiled, but she was also pragmatic and realistic. I believed she would eventually accept our loveless marriage and seek her happiness elsewhere.

When I called my brother to tell him I would need a best man after all, he refused to come to the wedding. He didn't even bother making up an excuse. I didn't tell him what happened with her, but somehow he knew.

"What the fuck are you doing? Why aren't you looking for Bella?"

My body stiffened when he said her name. I hated that I had any reaction to it.

"Are you coming to the wedding or not? I need a yes or no answer. That's all I require from you."

"You're sounding more and more like Grandfather, you know that? No, I'm not coming to the wedding. Listen to me. You're making a mistake, a mistake you will regret. Don't do this."

"Enough!" I yelled. "Stay out of my business."

"Edward…."

"Fuck you, Emmett. I'm done."

Our relationship was strained after that, and we barely talked. Five years was a long time to hold a grudge, but I did things like that. I was very unforgiving.

The wedding of the year was all that was expected. I made a fine groom, and played my part well. I even smiled and laughed a few times. I thought that was a nice touch.

I tried to be good to Tanya. I built her the house of her dreams and let her decorate it. I thought she had good taste, but it had to be the gaudiest house in the neighborhood. I didn't care, though. It was a house, just a house, not a home. The only room I felt comfortable in was my office, which I decorated myself.

We fucked. It wasn't any more passionate than it was in the past, but it kept her off my back and brought me some relief. I thought I would be typical of the men in my family and have women stashed all over the city, but I wasn't. I tried it once. I set up a real beauty in an apartment, but she thought it was love, and it became too complicated and demanding. I paid the rent for a year, and said goodbye.

In the third year of our marriage, Tanya wanted a child. She thought it would bring us together. I refused, and our fucking stopped. She was supposedly on the pill, but I didn't trust her or a condom. That's when she started drinking and fucking around. I didn't care about the fucking around. I hoped that it would make her happy so I didn't have to listen to her constant whining. I didn't even care about her drinking unless it interfered with my plans that involved her.

We looked good on the outside, Tanya and I. When she was sober, she was the perfect wife and hostess, and we were the perfect couple. We held hands, kissed, and smiled, knowing most of the people in the room were unbelievably envious of us.

It was ironic, how envious they were. If they had bothered to scratch the surface of our life just a bit, they would have seen a tragedy, a sad, pathetic tragedy. They would have seen a marriage that never should have happened, a woman who was trying to find happiness in a bottle and loveless affairs, and a man who was rich beyond comprehension and emotionally dead.

My transformation was complete. I had finally made it. I was the man my grandfather wanted me to be.

I was a Cullen man.

******************.

_Surely if we knew what bitterness fate held in store, we would shrink back in fear and let the cup of life pass us by untasted. ― Jacqueline Carey, __Kushiel's Dart_


	11. Bleeding

**Okay, one more look at Edward. Maybe you'll understand him more and dislike him less. Maybe you won't.**

**This ends the first part of this story. **

**Thanks for reading and reviewing! Judy xoxoxo**

**PS - Just a reminder...get those mammograms, okay?**

* * *

**Chapter Ten. Bleeding **

Control.

My life was defined by control from the moment I was born.

******************.

They called me the Boy Wonder in the business world even though some of my success had been handed to me on a silver platter. What I was handed would have been enough for any sane man, but it was insufficient for me. I wanted more. I had a drive that was relentless. Nothing was ever enough, and I took advantage of every door that was open to me.

I was a very disciplined man. I was a man who made no mistakes and left nothing to chance. Every moment, every move, was calculated and planned, and I never left myself vulnerable. I was never surprised or blindsided by anything or anyone. I expected much from myself, and I expected just as much from those around me. I had the power to crush them when they failed to meet my expectations, and because of that, they feared me. They all feared me – my employees, my business associates, and my competitors. I even saw some of that fear on my grandfather's face. The fear people had for me brought me no satisfaction, but the fear I saw on my grandfather's face - that was a different story. I enjoyed that very much. I savored it. At some point in time, I realized that was what I had been working for. It wasn't the money. It wasn't the challenge. It was him. It was all about him.

We both knew the origin of that fear on his face even though my grandfather ran from the reason, pretending it wasn't so. He no longer controlled me. I was just as powerful as he was. I had accomplished many things in my short career, but that was the only achievement I valued, the only success I celebrated.

The old man had spent his life protecting his power, and I knew he woke up every day wondering how he had lost control of me. It was rather pathetic that he didn't see it coming, that he didn't anticipate it. I thought he was smarter than that, and I was surprised that he made the same error most people make when they lose. He trusted. Trusting me was a mistake.

My grandfather saw in me what he never saw in any other member of our family. He saw himself. He saw the same drive, the same ambition, and the same ruthlessness, even when I didn't see it. He thought we would be partners, buddies, as we took the Cullen Empire to unimaginable heights together, but he forgot to take traits of his own into account, the traits that allowed him to maintain his power. My grandfather was vindictive. He was spiteful, malicious and always evened the score. He forgot that I also carried those traits in my genes, that he had passed down that same vindictiveness to me. I didn't use those traits in my business dealings. I reserved that honor for my grandfather.

I humiliated him every chance I had. I belittled him at every opportunity. It was the only pleasure I had in my life, watching him turn red with anger and knowing there wasn't a fucking thing he could do about it. I often thought a psychiatrist would have had a field day with me, trying to analyze all the psychosis going on in my mind as I continually punished him. There were times I thought I actually should see a psychiatrist after a day of being especially sadistic to him, but I didn't. I knew why I punished him, and I knew why he deserved it.

The only way to be free of my grandfather was to become him. The irony of that wasn't lost on me, and I didn't think it was lost on him, either. My grandfather had created a monster, but in many ways, I knew he admired me. At times, I even thought I saw pride on his face. He liked to remind me how rich and powerful I was occasionally. He liked to remind me of the wonderful life he gave me.

When he said those things, I examined the life he gave me, something I rarely did. I was unbelievably wealthy and not one fucking penny of my fortune made me happy. I was a bitter, hateful man who knew no joy, and I was empty. I was completely fucking empty. That was the life he wanted for me, his own flesh and blood. That was the life he thought I should value and be grateful for. It was inconceivable to me that he would want that life for anyone, especially his own grandson.

That was why I punished him. That was why he deserved it. I didn't need a psychiatrist to tell me that.

******************.

Tanya was the only person I didn't control with fear. What controlled her was my apathy, my indifference toward her. I didn't mean to punish her, but she became another casualty of mine. I broke her every day. I thought about leaving her, and even told her I would. It wasn't about love when she threw herself at me, crying hysterically and begging me to stay. It was about addiction. I was her addiction, her obsession. She felt worthless, and she was forever looking to me for something to make her feel less worthless – a smile, a touch, a kind word – but I denied her all of it. I didn't intend to be cruel, but I was. That was all I was capable of.

She wasn't capable of much more than I was between the drinking and the death of her soul, and it was all very inconvenient and annoying to me. It was inconvenient and annoying like having a flat tire when you were late for an important appointment was inconvenient and annoying, or how having to deal with a total fucking idiot in a business meeting was inconvenient and annoying. That's all it was to me – one giant pain in the ass. That's how emotionally barren I was.

I tried to get her help. It wasn't because I cared about her. I just wanted her out of my fucking hair. I wanted her to stop being the fucking problem she was to me. I had her carted off to the finest rehabilitation centers in the world. I hired people to watch over her, to stop her from drinking. I practically staffed an entire substance abuse center in my own house. None of it worked, though. Not one thing.

Tanya's lack of control and her weaknesses revolted me, but there was also a part of me that envied her. I was envious of her ability to fall apart, her ability to give into the pain and the disappointment. I wanted to fall apart like that. I wanted to lose control the way she did. I was always one second away from it, but I would never allow myself that luxury. That would have meant _she_ won when she left me without a backward look, and I would not let her win. I would never let her have that much power. The only thing I was sure of in my life was that no one would ever have that kind of power over me again. No one would ever control me again.

Not her.

Not my grandfather.

No one.

******************.

I put my suitcase down, took my jacket and tie off, and walked over to the bed.

She was drunk again.

I could see from the sheets one of Tanya's lovers had a nice afternoon fucking her. She used to change them before I got home, but she didn't even have the decency to get dressed after they left anymore, let alone change the fucking sheets.

She opened her eyes and gave me that drunk half-smile I detested.

"Edward, you're home," she slurred.

I walked away in disgust.

"Baby, where are going? Don't leave."

"Take a fucking shower and brush your teeth, Tanya. You stink," I yelled over my shoulder as I walked out of the room. That made her cry, of course, and that was one thing I couldn't take, especially on that night. I went into my office and locked the door behind me just in case she got herself together enough to follow me. She would want to talk, and that was the last fucking thing I wanted to do – talk to my drunk wife and listen to her whine. It always turned into a one-sided screaming fest after an hour or so. She screamed and cried while I stared at her, trying to find some small amount of interest or compassion and always failing.

I didn't need her shit that night, not on the night I came home from Paris.

I had to go to Paris for business. It was my first trip since I had been there with her. I didn't think twice about going. I knew I could run into her and walk right past her. I knew I could walk the streets of the city and stare at the fucking Eiffel Tower for days without remembering, without thinking about her. I rarely thought about her. I forced myself not to think about her. When I did, my thoughts weren't sentimental or pleasant. They were bitter. They were just as bitter as they were the day I walked back into my parents' house five years before.

I was wrong, though. I did remember. I remembered everything. I thought about her every second I was in Paris. I saw her everywhere and relived all those moments I thought I forgot – making love to her, laughing, holding her hand while we roamed the streets of the city. I sat at that little café we loved, at the same table, for hours and tortured myself while I thought about all those mornings we spent with that bratty little kid. I hated that I thought of those things. I hated that she got into my mind when all I wanted to do was forget I ever knew her. I hated that she still had that power over me.

I knew what I would do that night. It was something I swore I would never do.

I took my old phone out of the desk drawer. I still paid for it and kept it charged. I never allowed myself to think about why, but I did that night. I paid for it just in case – just in case she called me, just in case she wanted me, just in case she loved me again.

I told myself to walk away while the video transferred to my computer from the phone, but I didn't. Instead, I poured myself a glass of Jack Daniels and put the bottle next to my computer. I knew I would need it.

I sat back in my chair and drank half of the Jack when I saw her face and heard her start to sing. It brought me back to the bar and that last night I spent with her. It was a place I didn't want to be, but yet, I would have given anything – my wealth, my soul – to be there again. I drank the other half as I stared at her eyes. I couldn't stop staring at her eyes. I tried to find the love my brother saw in them, but all I saw was betrayal.

I watched that video over and over while I drank and whispered to her until I passed out.

"_Why can't I forget you? Why can't I hate you?"_

_******************._

The next morning, I was tired, so damn tired, and couldn't get myself out of that chair. I didn't have the energy or the will to stand up. I stared at my computer and allowed myself to face the truth of my life for just a few moments. That control I thought I had – it was an illusion, just as everything in my life was a fucking illusion. I wanted to cry about that, but instead, I went to the couch and slept for two days. Sleep - it was easier than feeling. It was easier than facing my weaknesses, my flaws, and my fucked up life.

On the third day, I put on my expensive, perfectly fitted suit along with the carefully crafted façade I had created, and walked back into the illusion that was life. I had everything under control again, just the way I liked it.

Control. It was very important to me.

******************.

_There are a thousand ways to bleed. But you are by far my favorite. __— Iain Thomas, __I Wrote This For You_


	12. Surrender

**Just to let you know... I'm having a little surgery next Wednesday. I still plan to post on the same schedule, but I might be a little late.(No, it's not breast cancer again or anything like that. My reconstruction just needs to be fine tuned. One of my implants looks kind of funky (ha!) so I'm getting it fixed.) Thanks for reading and reviewing! I'm anxious to hear what you guys think of our Edward after this chapter. Judy xoxoxo**

* * *

**Chapter Eleven. Surrender**

You never know when the past will catch up with you.

I didn't. I did everything I could to make sure that would never happen. For more than five years, I hid my soul in a room that only I was allowed in, slammed the door and put a million locks up. When that wasn't enough, I built walls around that room, walls that could not be penetrated. I kept everything in that room under control, even though it was becoming terrifyingly small, and there wasn't enough breathing space in it for anything, even me. I did all of this and thought it was working until the past hit me in the face anyway, and all those doors and locks, all of those walls, and all of that control meant shit.

*******************.

On the first Wednesday in June, it was hot and humid, and rain was expected in the afternoon. The stock market was up, and interest rates were down. Nothing very significant happened in the country or the world on that Wednesday. It was just an ordinary day.

It was far from an ordinary day in my life, though. That was the day the illusion unraveled. That was the day it stopped working. It had been slowly unraveling since Paris, and there were cracks I didn't see. Or maybe I did see them and refused to acknowledge them. I was very accomplished at that – lying to myself and believing my own bullshit.

It didn't start out as a day that would always stand out in my mind. There was nothing unusual about it at all.

I woke up at 6:00 AM, just like I always did. I had a conference call scheduled at 7:00 AM, and several meetings scheduled at the office later in the day. The most pressing issue in my life was making a decision on what kind of car to buy. What do you buy when you can afford anything you want? There were so many choices, and it was quite the dilemma for someone like me.

I went downstairs to make coffee and saw Tanya passed out on the couch. That wasn't anything unusual in the Cullen household, though; that was a common occurrence. I put her glass in the dishwasher and threw out the empty vodka bottle. That wasn't unusual, either. I was always cleaning up after her – getting rid of the evidence of her self-destruction, hiring a high-priced lawyer who knew how to make the DUI she got the week before go away, or making excuses for her behavior at social functions to people I really didn't give a crap about.

I grabbed a cup of coffee and ran upstairs to my office when she started to wake up. That actually was something new, but it was quickly becoming the norm. It had always been easy to ignore her while I sat in the kitchen in the morning, drinking coffee and watching the news, but it was becoming increasingly uncomfortable to look at what remained of Tanya. It forced me to look at what I had become - a monster, a tyrant, a tormenter, a soul-sucker, or maybe all of those things – and that was definitely something I didn't want to do.

After I finished up my conference call, I took a shower and dressed. I wore a black suit and a maroon tie. My suit was a little wrinkled and my tie had two small stains on it. A few weeks before, I would have changed immediately. My appearance had always been important to me because those things were important when your life is an illusion, when you are an illusion. It was important to appear perfect. It was important to hide all the fucked up bullshit that was eating you alive. On that day, though, I didn't see the wrinkles and stains or notice that the fucked up bullshit was starting to ooze through the cracks. I had stopped noticing things like that weeks before.

My life was still working at the office. Everything was still the same.

My grandfather was his usual belligerent self and walked right into my office without knocking. He knew it annoyed me, and that's why he did it. He would do anything to prove he was in control and still had power over me.

I didn't look up when I heard him. I knew who it was.

"What do you want?"

"Just checking in to see if you need anything."

"From you? No, can't say that I need a fucking thing from you. The deals I'm working on are way beyond your pay grade."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means they are too complicated for you to understand."

"I've been doing this shit before you were even a thought, Edward. You seem to forget that."

"Yes, I could tell how experienced you were when you almost blew the Davidson deal after you opened your fucking big mouth in our last meeting with them. That was quite impressive."

"You weren't pushing hard enough. There was more money to be made."

"What, another hundred thousand or so? We still have to work with them in the future, and I wanted to make sure the relationship remained cordial going forward. It wasn't worth humiliating them or the ill will that would have created. Your way of doing business is dead, old man. Now get out. I'm busy."

He didn't leave, though. He sat there, staring at me for a few minutes before he spoke.

"You're getting soft. You're making mistakes and not paying attention to details. You seem preoccupied. I've noticed that lately. "

I continued making notes on the contract I was reviewing and tried to ignore him until he went to a place he had never gone before. I didn't know why he chose that day to go there. I couldn't see it then, but I saw it later. My grandfather was a vulture who preyed on the weak. His strength, his talent, and his key to success was always knowing his opponents' vulnerabilities and using them to his advantage. He was an opportunist who patiently bided his time, waiting for just the right moment to attack. That's what he did to me that day. He saw the cracks before I did, and didn't waste any time using them.

"Do you still think about her, Edward? The tutor? _Your_ Bella? Do you lie in bed at the end of the day and think about making love to her? Do you feel her? Do you remember how fucking good it felt to be inside of her?"

I stopped writing when he said that, but didn't look up.

"Or do you think about her with the man she left you for? Do you think about her fucking him and telling him how much she loves him? I bet those images run through your mind every night, don't they? I can understand why they would. Fuck, she was a beautiful woman."

I stared at the contract on my desk as I listened to him. I told myself to throw him out, but I wouldn't give him that satisfaction. I couldn't stop playing the sick fucking game I had been playing with him for five years so I sat there, forcing myself not to react to him. I could not and would not let him win.

But, he knew he was wounding me. He knew he was drawing blood, and he didn't stop. Men like my grandfather don't stop when they know they have you, when they know they can break you. Vultures don't stop. They have no mercy when they go in for the kill.

"I think about her. I think about her smile when she finally had that check in her hand. I regret that I let her off so easily when I remember how she laughed at you, how she mocked you. I never told you this because I knew it would hurt you deeply, but I see now that was a mistake. You should know this. It might help you forget her if you accept who she really was. She said the best thing… well, other than the money, of course… was that you would never touch her again. She said you disgusted her… "

He won the moment I jumped out of my chair, grabbed him by the front of his jacket and slammed him against the wall.

"Shut the fuck up, you son of a bitch. Do you hear me? Shut the fuck up, or I'll fucking make you shut up."

He wasn't intimidated, though, not when he had could twist the knife one more time.

"You need to listen to this, Edward. You need to know the truth. She said her skin crawled when she felt your hands on her. She said she wanted to scream and throw you off of her every time…"

My hands were around his neck then, and I think I would have choked him to death, but the self-satisfied smile on his face stopped me. I saw myself in that smile. I saw everything I had become.

I let go of him and ran. I ran down forty five flights of stairs and could barely breathe by the time I ran through the front doors of the building. I stood there, leaning over with my hands on my thighs, trying to catch my breath. When I did, I ran again. I ran to a hotel room and continued running by staying drunk and sleeping for a week. When I couldn't sleep one more minute or drink one more drop of liquor, the past finally caught up to me. It sunk its claws into me and wouldn't let go. I fought it off as long as I could and tried to escape it, but that damn past of mine was relentless.

It took two sleepless days of pacing and staring out the window before I surrendered.

My surrender wasn't like the surrenders portrayed in a book or a movie when a character gives in to all that haunted them, and life instantly makes perfect sense. I wasn't suddenly healed. I didn't miraculously come to terms with the past. I didn't solve one damn problem or even think about any solutions to fix the nightmare that was my life. What I did do was take a first step. I was willing to open the door of that room I had barricaded my soul in just a bit and let it take a look at the world again. I didn't know how to salvage my life, but I was at least open to the possibility of trying. I thought maybe, just maybe, if I tried hard enough, I might even find some happiness one day.

I took a leave of absence from work and rented an isolated beach house. I knew I was still running in a way, but it was what I needed. I needed to stop. I needed to get off the insane fucking merry-go-round I had been riding for five years. I didn't speak one word or see one person for a month, and that was also what I needed. I needed silence. I needed quiet. I needed a break from all the bullshit that continuously swirled in my mind and all the voices that constantly pulled me in the direction they wanted me to go. I didn't do any thinking that month. All I was trying to do was exist in some kind of sane, normal way at that point, and even that was a challenge. The first week was a disaster, and I was crawling the walls, but I did manage to get myself into a good routine eventually. I didn't drink. I took long walks. I read a lot. I watched the sun rise and set every day.

When I did start thinking, I realized falling apart was inevitable. No one could have sustained the dead, empty life I led for very long. It was a tribute to my bitterness, heartache and stubbornness that I had done it for over five years. My grandfather actually did me a favor in that ironic way that happens in life. He helped me fall apart faster, and saved me from the long, painful process I would have put myself through. I was sure I could have dragged it on for at least another year.

I tried to think about Bella, but I was just as bitter and broken about her as I ever was, and I didn't think about her for long. She was still the past I couldn't come to terms with, and I wondered if I would ever be able to do that. It seemed impossible to me.

Just about everything seemed impossible, and I got stuck. I couldn't go back, but I couldn't move forward either so I stayed where I was. I thought about just staying at the beach forever and not solving anything. It wasn't a bad place to be, and I definitely had the money to do it. It was uncomplicated, peaceful and quiet. The only noise in my head was the ocean and sea gulls. I wasn't hurting myself or anyone else. I didn't miss work and discovered I was very good at doing nothing. Physically, I felt better than I had in years. Emotionally, I had some peace, as much peace as I possibly could have while having a fucking multitude of issues – Bella, my grandfather, Tanya, control issues - hanging over my head.

*******************.

I didn't know why I googled Bella when I was playing around on the internet one morning. I didn't plan to do that. I didn't say to myself, "I should check in on Bella. I should make things complicated again." I just did it. I just typed in her name and hit enter. I didn't expect to feel anything but bitterness. I didn't expect to smile and whisper, "She did it. She actually fucking did it." I didn't expect to be proud of her.

Bella had shared her voice.

I stared at the beauty of her on that CD cover and teared up a little when I read the title – _I Love_. The fucked up past didn't matter at that moment. I was actually happy for her. I was happy that she had accomplished that. I was happy she was sharing her voice. It was kind of nice to think something pleasant about her after years of bitter and ugly thoughts. It was also kind of nice to feel excited about something again.

I didn't bother to download it. I wanted an actual CD that I could hold, that I could touch, that I could put in my pocket and carry around with me. I drove to the city and spent the rest of the day going from store to store, buying every copy I found. The CD was put out by a small independent label in Seattle the year before, and I didn't expect to find too many copies, but I was happy with what I found. I kept looking at those twelve CDs on the seat next to me while I was driving back to the beach and felt like I had just found the world's greatest treasures.

I tore the cellophane off one of the CDs as soon as I walked in the door and stared at the front cover. I was amazed by that CD. It was like I had never seen a CD before in my life. I touched her photo and ran my finger over her face. I traced the words _I Love_. I opened the case, took out the CD gently, like it was made of gold, and inspected it before I put it in the CD player. Her CD was definitely all about love – old love, new love, angry love, painful love, fulfilling love, silly love. The only song missing was _"At Last",_ and I was surprised by that. She had loved that song so much.

As always, when it came to Bella, she was more than I thought she would be. She had always been more than I thought she would be – more beautiful, more charming, more loving, more heartbreaking, more painful. Her music was also more than I thought it would be_. _ I heard a woman who had experienced life and all of its joy and sorrow. I heard the passion I expected to hear, but I heard more than I remembered. I heard more sadness than I remembered.

I felt like I had a part of her. I felt like something that had had been missing in me was restored just a bit listening to her, like an empty space had been partially filled. I didn't think about finding her. I thought I would, but I didn't. Having that part of her seemed to be enough.

It took two days for me to find the balls to read the dedication. I knew seeing who she dedicated it to would fuck with my head, and it absolutely did. It completely fucked with my head. She had kept her promise and dedicated it to me, and I didn't understand why. It was the last thing I thought she would do. I stared at it for an hour before I packed a bag and got in my car. I read the dedication again before I pulled out of the garage, just to be sure it was real.

_To Edward, who always wanted me to share my voice. A promise is a promise, even if this isn't quite what I promised. Our song is over, and I'll never sing it again, but I continue to love a part of you, and I'm thankful for that every day. – Bella_

I was running again, but it was a different kind of running. I wasn't running away. I was running to something, to someone. I ran to the only place left to run, to the place I should have run to five years before. I ran to Bella and all that I needed to face.

*******************.

She wasn't hard to find in Seattle. I would have known the old cottage she lived in was hers even if I didn't have her address. It was so Bella.

I had expectations as I walked to her door, of course. I expected the worst, and I was prepared for the worst. I thought I was prepared for anything when I rang her doorbell, but I wasn't. I wasn't prepared in the slightest way for her to open the door, look me up and down, and say "What do you want? I'm very busy." All those expectations were turned upside down and inside out, and I couldn't help smiling as l looked into brown eyes that were annoyed and so damn familiar.

There were things I knew at that moment. I knew she would own me. I knew I would move heaven and earth for her if she needed me to. I knew she would find me somewhere beneath all the imperfect and flawed, and I knew that she would love me.

I knew all of those things, but I didn't know everything. I didn't know how long it would take me to actually be worthy of the love she would give me. That, I didn't know.

*******************.

_And then my soul saw you and it kind of went, "Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you." - __Iain Thomas, __I Wrote This For You_


	13. Rules

**I'm sorry this has taken so long. Surgery was little harder than I thought it would be, and I was pretty whacked out on pain pills until Tuesday. It's better now! Thanks for reading and reviewing. Judy xoxoxo**

* * *

**Chapter Twelve. Rules**

At just about the same moment I read Bella's CD dedication and decided to go to Seattle, a nurse from New York called Bella to inform her that her mother had died the day before. Some would call those two events happening the way they did coincidence, synchronicity, destiny, or maybe even fate.

Hours before she died, Bella's mother asked the nurse to find her daughter and give her a message.

"Tell her I'm sorry," she whispered.

That was it. That's all she said. She didn't say she loved her or give any explanation for abandoning her when she was two-years-old. The hospice nurse couldn't give Bella any answers. She was just trying to fulfill a patient's last wish, she said. She did tell Bella that her mom died alone, not surrounded by loved ones like most people die. No one cried for her except Bella.

She was surprised when she cried. She thought she had put her mother's abandonment behind her and always told herself her father's love had been enough. As a young girl, she remembered feeling an emptiness when she thought about her mom, wondering why she didn't love her and trying to figure out what she had done wrong to make her go away. After a while, she just got used to living with that emptiness. She stopped noticing it in the way you don't notice breathing or blinking, but that emptiness had always been a part of her, she admitted to herself that day. It had always been there.

She pulled the little girl sitting next to her closer and imagined her asking herself those same questions about her father. That's what hurt Bella the most – thinking about her beautiful daughter believing she wasn't worth her father's love, and she cursed me as she sat there.

When I showed up at her door the next day, I didn't know that was the only reason she let me in. I didn't know she wouldn't have been so welcoming if her mother hadn't died. It was like the universe gave me a break and said, "Okay, Edward, this lonely woman's death is going to give you a chance at something wonderful even though you don't deserve it."

******************.

I met my daughter when she opened her front door, annoyed and pissed off because I was interrupting a tea party she was having with the new doll that had come to live with her a few months before on her fourth birthday.

I'd heard about moments like that, moments when people met a daughter, a son or a sibling they didn't know they had. Those moments were always described using the same tired clichés. The world either stopped completely or started spinning out of control. Their breath was either taken away or they hyperventilated. Their heart either stopped or started beating right out of their chest.

None of those things happened to me. Many emotions would catch up with me eventually, but I didn't think of those things at the time. When I thought about it days later, I realized there was a part of me that expected her to be there. There was a part of me that understood what Bella's dedication meant, and I think I had a picture of my daughter in my mind the entire time I ran to Seattle. My picture had green eyes, though, not brown.

All I saw that day was a miracle dressed in a pink dress, wearing her mother's red high heels and what seemed to be every necklace Bella owned, when I was desperately hungry for a miracle in my life. When I looked at her, I saw the best part of myself. I had created her, and I had a feeling of having done something amazing, something spectacular. She wasn't the fucked up past. She was hope. She was possibility. She was the future.

I knelt down on one knee and memorized her. She was tiny, just like Bella. Everything about her was tiny – her fingers, her feet, her nose, her ears. I saw my crazy hair pulled into an unruly pony tail, my mouth, and Bella's nose and hands. She had freckles on her nose just like I did when I was a kid. I saw perfection. She was the most perfect thing I had ever seen in my life.

"Hi," I finally whispered.

"Hey, dude."

She made me laugh when she called me dude. I thought that was the most brilliant thing I'd ever heard come out of a human being's mouth.

"Dude? You call people dude?"

"Only boys. I learned that in pre-school."

"Well, that's a good thing to learn, I guess. What's your name, dudette?" I asked, even though I knew her name. I didn't know where that dudette thing came from – I must have heard it on TV - but I was happy I said it because it made her giggle and smile. It was a beautiful smile.

"I'm not supposed to tell strangers my name, but…"

She reminded me so much of her mother as she looked at me and determined my fate. I didn't know what she was looking for, but I wanted her to find it in me.

"Okay. You don't look like a monster that hurts kids. My name is Jaime. It's French. It means… "

"I love. I bet you didn't think I would know that, did you?"

"Wow, no one ever knows that. You must be smart."

"Oh, I don't know about that, honey. Right now I don't feel very smart."

"You don't? You look smart. What's your name?"

"My name is Edward."

"_Like the vampire?" _

I didn't know what the hell she was so excited about, but it seemed to be a good thing to have the same name as a vampire so I went with it.

"Yes! Exactly like the vampire. Isn't that wonderful?"

"Oh, it is. I can't wait to tell the kids at school. Why are you here, anyway?"

"Well, I came to see your mom. I'm an… old friend of hers."

"Will she be happy to see you?"

"Maybe she will. I'm not sure," I said, even though I didn't think she would be happy at all.

My legs were cramping up, and my knee was numb, but I didn't want to move. I knew eventually I would have to ask Jaime to go and find her mom, but I was putting it off as long as I could. I wanted to stay in that moment with her, not face my fucked up past, but the past always finds you no matter what the hell you do, and I heard it then, calling her daughter from the back of the house.

"Jaime, honey, where are you? I thought I heard the doorbell, and I hope you didn't answer the door because I've told you a million times…"

And when she turned the corner and stopped when she saw me, all those cliché things happened to me. The world stood still. I couldn't breathe. My heart felt like it was going to beat right out of my chest.

Neither one of us said anything.

"Mommy, look. Edward came to visit you."

"Yes, I see that, sweetheart," Bella managed to get out.

Jaime looked back and forth at us while we continued to stare at each other.

"Soooo. Are you guys going to, like, talk to each other?"

That snapped Bella out of whatever she was in – a fog, a daze. I wasn't quite sure.

"Oh. Yeah. Hi, Edward."

That's all she said. It was like that fucked up past didn't exist, like she had just seen me the week before. She looked at Jaime to let me know she was doing it for her and that I had better do the same.

"Hi, Bella. How are you?"

"I'm fine, thanks. And you?"

"Just dandy, thanks. You're looking well." And she did. She looked really fucking well. She was more beautiful than I even remembered. A lot more beautiful.

"So are you, Edward. So are you."

We weren't at all saying the things we wanted to say. At least, I wasn't. It was the most ridiculous conversation I'd ever had.

Jaime must have felt the same way and decided we should move on.

"Edward, would you like to come to my tea party? It's all set up."

"I would love to come to your tea party if it's okay with your mom. Thank you for inviting me. "

"Please, Mommy. Can he come?"

Bella continued to stare at me and nodded yes.

I started to walk into the living room, but stopped when I came to Bella. I kissed her on the cheek and whispered in her ear.

"Are you happy to see me, Bella?"

"Why did you come now, after all this time? Why now?"

"I found your CD and read the dedication. How the fuck could you keep her from me?"

"What are you talking about? I wrote that to let you know she was okay. I wanted you to know that."

"Cut the crap. How the hell was I…"

"Not now. Let's go drink some tea," she whispered through clenched teeth.

When I walked into the living room, it was exactly what I hoped it wouldn't be. I was back in the apartment again, right down to the window seat. Some of the furniture was new, but everything Bella loved was still there along with the new things to love that were added to her life when Jaime came into it. It was a room full of happy memories, and the emptiness of my life screamed at me as I looked around. Jaime's toys, the photos of her and Bella, her artwork that was hanging on every wall and the window seat reminded me of everything I didn't have, of everything that had been taken away from me.

Bella saw me staring at the window seat.

"That's why I bought the house. It was practically falling down, but I knew there was a home somewhere in what remained of it when I saw that window seat."

I wanted to reply with something nice, something pleasant, something like, "You did a wonderful job. It's a fine home," but I couldn't. I was filled with bitterness and resentment, and all I wanted to do was what most bitter, resentful people do with all the shit churning around in them. I wanted to dump it. I wanted to dump it on someone else, just like I always did, and I had the perfect person standing next to me to dump it on. She deserved that, I thought. She was the cause of all of that bitterness and resentment, and she deserved to be weighed down and burdened with some of it just like I had been for all those years. I knew I would be ugly and vicious, and I kept telling myself, "_Don't do it! Don't do it! Don't do it!_" but she was right there, and I had so much shit I needed to dump.

I was ready to do it, and I would have. I would have ruined everything good about that moment if I hadn't felt a little hand in mine. That one touch reminded me that I had something, someone, to lose, and I wasn't about to do that. I wasn't going to lose that little girl when I had just found her. The shit was still there, and I knew I would have to deal with it, but that was the wrong place and the wrong time to do it. I'd always heard that happiness was a decision and thought that was trite bullshit psychobabble until I decided to be happy that day. On that first day with my daughter, I was going to be fucking happy.

"Come on. It's time for the tea party," Jaime said as she pulled me across the room and walked me out of the past and into the present.

******************.

The tea party was set up at the tiniest table I had ever seen in my life, and I started to rethink the whole thing. I didn't realize I'd actually have to sit at a kid's table. I thought the miniature chair she wanted me to sit in would break under my weight and tried to convince her to move the tea party to the dining room table I saw in the next room. That idea didn't go over too well.

"I don't have tea parties at that table. It's only for special days."

"Can't we make an exception today, Jaime?" Obviously, I was used to talking to adults, not a charming mini-person.

"What's an 'ception?"

I had to think about that, and was very proud of the explanation I gave her.

"It's when you do something you don't usually do for just one time. It's a fun thing to do." I thought that would surely convince her, but she was having none of it.

"Sitting at the special day table doesn't sound fun to me. You have to use your best manners. That's not fun at all."

I looked for some help from Bella, who was already sitting in one of those tiny chairs with an amused look on her face.

"I think your mom would like it in there, _wouldn't you,_ _Mom_?"

"Nope. I don't want to move. I'm pretty comfortable right here, thanks." I could see she was enjoying herself, watching me try to change Jaime's mind.

"Edward, just sit down. My uncle built it, and it's very, very strong."

"You have an uncle?" I was surprised by that, knowing Bella didn't have any living relatives.

"Yes. He's a cheese man."

"Your uncle sells cheese?"

I heard Bella laughing and looked at her.

"No. He's a Big Cheese at work. That's what he tells her all the time."

"Oh, yeah. Big Cheese," Jaime said as she started fussing around with the tiny cups and saucers. When she was done, she looked at me and said, "Well? Are you going to sit down?"

Of course, I sat down. When my daughter wanted me to do something, I did it. I learned that rule pretty quickly that day. The chair the unknown uncle built didn't break, and it kind of pissed me off.

"Who is this uncle?" I whispered to Bella.

"None of your business," she whispered back.

"Is that what she calls your boyfriend? Uncle? That's pathetic, Bella," I whispered back. That's when I learned that Jaime's ears weren't as small as I thought they were.

"What does pathetic mean, Mommy?"

Bella looked straight at me and said, "It means you're being an asshole, that's what it means."

"Uh, oh. Bad word. You owe me a dollar."

"Sorry, honey. I'll pay you later."

"So, where is this uncle today?" I whispered to Bella.

"Shut up. We'll deal with this shit later. "

I put my hand over my mouth and made my eyes really big, trying to look like I was in shock.

"Oh, Jaime. She just whispered a really, reallybad word to me so make sure she pays two bucks. Does your mom always say so many bad words?"

"No. She's being very weird today," she answered at the same time I heard Bella mutter, "Fucking tattletale," under her breath.

"Uh oh, she just did it again. She owes you _another_ dollar."

Jaime sighed and shook her head as she poured the tea and said very seriously, "I bet it was the 'F' word. That's her favorite."

******************.

I thought I would feel horribly uncomfortable sitting there with them, but I didn't. I felt like I was home. There was no fucked up past while we sipped our tea that was mostly milk and ate chocolate chip cookies, laughing and teasing each other. I wasn't a stranger who had unexpectedly showed up at their door. I was an old friend, or maybe even family. Jaime loved me, and Bella was warm and friendly and seemed genuinely happy to see me.

I realized the tea party was over when Jaime yawned, walked over to the couch, and fell asleep. Bella and I sat in our little tiny chairs and watched her. It kind of freaked me out. One second, she was full of energy and then bam, she was out like a light the next.

"Is she okay?"

"Of course, she is. Haven't you ever seen someone fall asleep?"

"Not like that."

"Yeah, well, kids do things like that so get used to it, Dad."

That came out of her mouth so casually, and I knew she didn't give it a second thought. It was too much for me, though, hearing her call me Dad like I had been around since the moment Jaime was born, like she hadn't kept my daughter away from me.

"Would you like some coffee? We can go in the kitchen and talk while she's sleeping. There might even be a piece of apple pie with your name on it," she whispered.

"Sure. Thanks. I'd appreciate that."

I forgot about my decision to be happy. Resentment and apple pie - it seemed like a good combination to me.

We chatted while she made the coffee about the small law firm she worked for, her CD and her singing career. She even asked about my wife and the family business. Those things didn't matter to me, though. I was a vulture standing there, biding my time and waiting for the right moment to strike. I was my grandfather.

"I thought you'd have a much bigger house," I told her as we ate our pie and drank our coffee.

"Why would you think that?"

"I imagine that money you squeezed out of my grandfather would have allowed you to buy something nicer. Maybe we could talk about that. You know, compare notes on how we spend the Cullen money. What do you think, Bella? Sound like fun?"

I knew I had surprised her and felt a sense of accomplishment. That was the key to being a vulture – swooping in when it was least expected. I wanted her to fight. I wanted her to defend herself. I wanted her weak.

She didn't fight or defend herself, though. Instead, she gently put down her coffee cup, looked at me and whispered, "That's what he told you. That's what you've believed all this time. What else did he tell you?"

"I know everything. The meeting at the apartment, the money, taking off to Paris with your boyfriend. There are pictures, documents to back it all up."

"So you believed all of these things about me based on your grandfather's information?"

"I didn't until I got your text message telling me it was over."

"My text message. Well, yes. I can see why that would do it."

She got up and grabbed the coffee pot. Her movements were very deliberate and calm, deliberate and calm in the way that people are deliberate and calm when they just learned something unpleasant and were trying to absorb it and figure out how to react. She asked me if I'd like more coffee or another piece of pie. She sat down, put a little sugar in her coffee and slowly stirred it. She looked at me over the cup while she sipped it. It was a different look than I'd seen all day. It wasn't as friendly. She was more closed off and guarded.

"You don't get to do this, Edward."

"Do what?"

"You – especially you- don't get to walk into _my_ home after all of these years and dump your shit on me. It's not going to happen. I got tangled up in all your Cullen bullshit once, and I won't do it again."

"_Your_ home, Bella? I think we can safely call this another Cullen property. I didn't know you at all, did I?"

"No, you didn't."

"Give me your side of the story. Tell me what happened."

"I'm sorry. I don't want to do that. Think whatever the fuck you want."

"I'm entitled to some answers, Bella."

"You're entitled to nothing. You're five years too late. Your grandfather seems to have told you the way things were. Why don't we leave it at that?"

"What if I don't want to leave it there?"

"You have no choice."

"And Jaime? Are we allowed to talk about why you kept her from me, or is that conversation off-limits also under your house rules?"

"I would never deliberately keep her away from you, no matter what happened between us. It's obvious she is a surprise to you, and I'm sorry for that. I thought you knew about her."

"Would you care to explain why?"

"No, I don't. You have everything figured out about me. Come to your own conclusions."

We sat at the table, sipping our coffee, looking at everything but each other.

"I'm not sure what to do now, Bella. Should I just leave?"

"I don't want you to leave. I'd like you to stay in Seattle and spend some time with her. I want Jaime to know her father loves her. It's important to me."

"I can stay as long as I follow your rules. Is that how it is?"

"You can do whatever you want. I know you can call in your legal team and make this quite difficult and ugly, but I don't think you'll do that."

"I probably could have full custody of her in a week, you do know that?"

"I know what your power and money can buy, Edward, but I'm willing to trust you on this."

"Why?"

"I saw how you looked at Jaime today. I know it would be impossible for you to do anything that might hurt that little girl."

******************.

When I walked into the living room later that evening after I had read Jaime a bedtime story, tucked her in and kissed her good night for the first time, I saw Bella wrapped in her quilts, reading on the window seat. She looked up at me and smiled. It wasn't a smug smile. She wasn't gloating because I was playing by her rules. It was a peaceful smile because her daughter was finally being loved by her father.

"Maybe we can talk about the past one day, but not now. Later. Let's stay in the present right now," she told me that afternoon. It was hard for me at first to play by anyone's rules but mine, but I did it. I did it for my daughter. I did it because something told me Bella's rules were better, much better than the rules I wanted to play by that were driven by my bitterness and resentment.

Bella was right, of course. I could never do anything to hurt my daughter and using her as a pawn to make Bella pay for the past would hurt her. Taking her away from her mom would hurt Jaime the most. Some things never changed, I thought, as I smiled back and whispered, "Thank you." Bella had always been able to find something worthwhile in me beneath all the flawed and the imperfect. It had been so long since anyone had done that, and it felt so fucking good.

******************.

_The universe curves, as does the Earth. And as hard as you try and run away from everything you are, you'll find yourself where you left yourself when you come home. Just tired. - Iain Thomas,_ I_ Wrote This For You_


	14. Honesty

**Hi! So not everyone was happy with Bella in the last chapter. Another surprise for me. She just needed some time. I think it was the best thing for Jaime. Anyway, thanks for reading and reviewing. Judy xoxoxo**

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**Chapter Thirteen. Honesty**

My daughter.

She was independent and never stopped talking. She could be bossy at times. She liked to win and tried to change the rules of the games we played when it suited her. She had a vivid imagination, and kept her treasures hidden all over her room in little zip-loc baggies for some reason. She asked a million questions and was curious about _everything_. She was smart, kind, giving and very unselfish. She enjoyed teaching me things, like how to change a diaper on one of her baby dolls. She knew how to write the alphabet and her first name. She liked to polish my nails, and she liked to tell me silly jokes. She saw the world in absolutes most of the time. Things were fair or unfair, fun or not fun, right or wrong. There was never any in-between for her.

I loved all of those things about Jaime, but what I loved the most about her was her honesty. It was pure and innocent, and I wondered when she would lose that quality, when any child lost that quality, and learned to play the dishonest games adults played.

***************.

I spent two weeks in Seattle, playing with Jaime and dancing with Bella. We danced around everything, Bella and I, existing completely in the present. I talked about everything with Jaime and nothing of any consequence with Bella unless it had something to do with our daughter. She was friendly to me as long as we were with Jaime and cautious and guarded when we weren't.

It all was so calm, so civilized, and so dishonest. It turned out that Bella was very good at dancing, much better than I thought she would be. I thought I would be just as good, that I would be used to dishonesty, but it wore on me. I would catch her staring at me when she thought I wouldn't notice, and I wanted to know what she was thinking when she did that. I wanted her to talk to me. I wanted to fight with her about the past, and get it over with. I wanted it all out in the open so we could move forward because I still had feelings for her underneath all that bitterness and resentment. I knew that the second I saw her. I didn't expect to feel anything for her. I didn't expect to care and want her so much. I didn't expect to see her and know she had a hold on my heart like no one ever would, and I wondered if it was that easy to forgive, that easy to forget.

I showed up at the house every day after Jaime woke up and stayed until she went to bed. Bella was more than cooperative and even took time off of work. I resented that at first, but as the days went on, I appreciated that she did.

We took Jaime to the zoo and the movies, places I would have thought to take her, but there were other places I didn't know about. I didn't know about the horrible, noisy, overcrowded pizza place with gigantic animated creatures that I thought would surely scare the shit out of Jaime, or the place that had rooms full of colorful plastic balls that the kids played in for hours. I did know about McDonalds, but I didn't know I would have to sit there for what seemed like hours, terrified that we wouldn't be able to find Jaime in that fucking two-story maze thing they built for the kids.

I didn't know about computer games and children's websites. I didn't realize Jaime would even know how to turn on a computer. When Jaime got mad at me instead of Bella because there were no bananas for her cereal one morning, I didn't know how to handle it or not take it personally. I didn't understand the crazy moods of a four-year-old sometimes. I didn't understand why she loved apples one day and hated them the next day after I had cut it in exactly ten pieces the way she wanted me to.

I had dealt with the most brilliant minds in finance and managed to stay two steps ahead of them easily, but there were nights when I went to bed exhausted after a day of just trying to stay even with Jaime. I didn't know being a dad to a tiny four-year-old little girl would be so complex, and Bella helped me with all those things. She introduced me to a world I was very unfamiliar with, and I couldn't help thinking how ironic that was. She seemed to always be introducing me to new and different worlds.

There were other things I didn't know when it came to my daughter. I knew she would own me, but I didn't know about the overwhelming joy I would feel just from seeing her smile when I walked into the house in the morning. I didn't know how healing it would be when she took my hand while we were walking or hugged and kissed me good night after I had read her a bedtime story. I didn't know she would make me feel almost whole when she told me she loved me.

It happened on my last morning in Seattle when we were in the living room playing what must have been our 500th game of tic tac toe. We were lying on the floor on our stomachs, facing each other, when she told me. It came out of nowhere, like most things Jaime said.

Jaime was trying to convince me that sometimes the 'x' person got to go twice when they felt like it.

"I've never heard of that rule, Jaime."

"This is how we do it in pre-school," she told me. She was smiling the little sly smile she always used when she was trying to con me.

"Oh, yeah? Who decided this rule?"

"I did."

I'd been spending days trying to point out to her that changing the rules was kind of cheating, and I really tried to be serious that day, but I rolled on my back, laughing, because the kid just delighted me sometimes. What a mind she had!

She crawled over to me, sat on my stomach, and leaned over to look at me.

"You're so funny. I love you, Edward," she whispered shyly. She hid her face on my chest then, like she was scared of what my reaction would be. It was the first time I had seen the shy side of my daughter.

The enormity of what she said stunned me at first, but not for long. I sat up and pulled her into my lap. I wanted her to know there was no reason to be scared. I wanted to tell her how brave she was when she took a chance and opened her heart to me. I wanted to tell her she was so much braver than me. I had held back on telling her I loved her because _I_ was scared, and I saw then how stupid that was. I should have let go of the limitations and excuses we all placed on ourselves as we got older that prevented us from being honest. I should have told her days before, and I swore to myself I would never leave anything unsaid when it came to my daughter again.

I tickled her a little bit.

"What did you just say? You love me? You love me, you love me, you love me!"

I had her laughing, and she could hardly talk. What came out of her was kind of a scream and a laugh mixed together. "Yes. I love you, I love you, I love you!"

I turned her around to face me because I knew she was still a little nervous about looking at me. I smoothed her hair back and traced the lines of her perfect little face.

"Well, guess what, little Miss Jaime. I love you. too. I love you so much. You are the most wonderful person I know."

"I am?"

"Yes, you are, honey. I love you, I love you, I love you!"

And then she said the most unexpected thing, and I pulled her close to me because I didn't know what to say.

"I wish you were my dad."

I kissed the top of her head as I broke the promise I had just made so soon and left something else unsaid. I wasn't sure if being honest at that moment was the best thing for Jaime and decided to talk to Bella about it before I left.

"Edward, I can't breathe," she said as she wiggled out of my arms. I looked at her closely and she seemed okay. Being a typical four-year-old, she had moved onto other things.

"I'm hungry. Can I have a cookie?"

"Baby, you can have anything you want."

"Okay. Can I have ten cookies then?"

Telling her she could have anything she wanted was a mistake a novice dad would make, and I had made that rookie mistake before. I had learned the way to correct it quickly, though. I blamed her mom, of course. It was a chicken shit thing to do, but very effective.

"Your mom would be very mad at me if I gave you that many cookies, Jaime. We don't want to get Mom mad at me, do we?" I asked her as I got up and felt the tears I had been holding back run down my face when I saw Mom standing in the doorway.

"How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough," she told me before she walked over to Jaime and hugged her.

***************.

That afternoon, Bella found me in the living room, looking at a picture of Jaime taking her first steps while I waited for her to wake up from a nap.

"I bet she fell down twenty times before she took those steps. She was so determined that day."

I didn't reply to her. I didn't look at her. I was scared she would stop talking if I did, and I needed her to keep talking.

"I'm sorry you missed all those things. I'm sorry you missed so much of her life."

I did look at her then because she was crying.

"Bella, I… "

"Be quiet. Let me say this. In spite of everything, you are the father I always believed you would be. She brings out the best of you, Edward."

"I told you in Paris my own child would like me," I said hesitantly, not knowing how she would react to my bringing up the past.

"Yes. I remember that."

"I love her so much, Bella. I would never do anything that would hurt her."

"I know that. That's why we need to talk. I don't want to talk about this, but I owe you an explanation. It will never make up for the time you've missed with Jaime, but you deserve to know what happened. It won't be what your grandfather told you, but it will be the truth. My truth is ugly, but it isn't nearly as ugly as what you have believed all these years."

She sat down on the couch and wrapped herself in a blanket she kept there. She didn't look at me when she talked. She didn't seem to be focusing on anything as she stared straight ahead, and I didn't think she was next to me in the living room anymore. She was back in our apartment.

"I was in the bathroom staring at the positive pregnancy test when I heard the knock on the door that morning. I didn't really have to take that test. I knew I was pregnant. I don't know why I didn't tell you before you left. I think I was a little nervous about how you would feel because it was so unexpected.

I thought it was you at the door, that you had decided not to go and were trying to surprise me. I ran to the door and yelled, 'I'm pregnant,' when I opened it. I didn't expect to do that. I thought I would tell you in a calmer way, but I was so happy. It was so fucking perfect that you were there, and it just came out. And surprise, it wasn't you."

"My grandfather."

"Yes. He had some big guy with him. I remember him saying, 'Well, congratulations to you, Ms. Swan, but I have other business with you right now.' That's one of the reasons I thought you knew about Jaime. I thought he would tell you."

"Why did you let him in?"

"I don't know. Because he was your grandfather, I suppose. Because I was curious. Because I was naive and didn't realize people like your grandfather existed. I didn't know things like that actually happened in real life.

What I remember the most about that day was how much he seemed to be enjoying himself as he explained to me that I had become 'inconvenient'. That's what he called me. Inconvenient. He said you asked him to take care of your 'inconvenient' problem when he was in town a couple of weeks before to see him. I remember wondering why you hadn't told me you saw him."

"_Edward just doesn't have the stomach to do his own dirty work, Ms. Swan. I shouldn't indulge him, but I tend to do things like this when it comes to my grandson. As you know, he can be very persuasive. He's had his fun with you, but now he needs you out of the picture. Fortunately for you, my grandson is very generous and would like to offer a nice sum of money for you to go quietly." _

"Of course, I told him I didn't believe him, and I grabbed my phone to call you… "

"_Bella – may I call you Bella? – don't do that. It will only make you look foolish. I take it you don't know Edward is engaged and will be married in a few months. Ah, yes, I can see you don't. That's my grandson, always leaving out these details when he has his little flings."_

"He showed me pictures of you and your fiancé, your engagement announcement and wedding invitation then. I remember thinking I should have fucking googled you. I would have known those things if I had."

"Why didn't you?"

"Because I wanted to know _you_, not the rich, entitled kid on the society pages. And I trusted you, Edward. I believed in you. I loved you."

She looked over at me as she answered, and I could see she was hurt and annoyed that I even asked that question.

"When I told him I still wasn't leaving, that I was going to wait to talk to you, he started threatening me."

"_Do you realize how easy it would be for Edward and his wife to gain custody of the baby, Bella? You are no match for the Cullen money and power. That might be the best thing for your baby. Imagine the life Edward could give his child." _

"That's when I told him to get out, but he had one more thing to say before he did."

"_Pregnant women sometimes have terrible things happen to them that cause miscarriages, Bella, like falling down stairs or automobile accidents. You should be very careful in your delicate condition. Maybe you would be safer in another town. Maybe you should leave tonight."_

"I almost laughed because he was so ridiculous and melodramatic, but I didn't. I wasn't someone who was intimidated easily, but the look on your grandfather's face – it scared me. I knew he was serious."

"Why didn't you call me?"

"Because you lied to me, and I wasn't sure I could trust you. I was scared, Edward. All I could think about was protecting my baby. My first instinct was to run, and that's what I did. I realize now how stupid I was. He could have found me wherever I went.

I ended up here in Seattle. I was heartbroken and sick and tired all the time from the pregnancy and barely holding on those first few weeks. I thought about calling you about the baby, but I wasn't capable of much at that point and needed some time. Then the money came, and I knew your grandfather had told you."

"What money?"

"A $20,000 cashier's check. It came with a note I thought was from you."

"Can I see them?"

She walked over to her desk, pulled out a stack of envelopes from a drawer and handed them to. I looked at her, puzzled about why there were so many.

"I get a check for the same amount and a short note every year on Jamie's birthday. At first, I was going to rip up all the checks or send them back, but I decided to be practical. I put the money in an account for Jaime and thought maybe she could use it for college."

I opened the first envelope and looked at the note. It was written on the personal stationary I kept at the office and at home, and I would have sworn it was my handwriting if I didn't know better.

_Bella, here's something for the baby. Use it as you wish. I'm sorry. Edward._

The other notes simply said: _I hope she is well. Edward._

I looked at the bank statements also. Bella had never used a penny of it.

"Once I was feeling better, I was going to call you anyway, regardless of the note and the money, but I was finally smart enough to google you before I did and found out you were married. Did you know your entire wedding album is on the internet? Your wife is quite beautiful, Edward. You both looked so happy, and I had to move on after that. I had to let go and make a life for myself and my baby. In a way, I was relieved about how it worked out. I was relieved to be rid of the Cullens."

"None of it was true. The money, the boyfriend," I whispered.

"No, it wasn't. I didn't take any money that day. I've had a couple of relationships since, but there was no one then. Just you. You're all I wanted."

"Who was the man at the airport?"

"He was one of my dad's friends, someone he told me to call if I ever needed help right before he died. He was going to a medical conference in Paris. I went to Seattle."

"The text message?"

"I didn't send it. I couldn't find my phone that afternoon. I had gone out for a while and realized I didn't have it with me. I couldn't find it when I got back to the apartment, but I didn't have time to worry about it. I replaced it a few days after I arrived in Seattle. "

"Why did you even let me in the door?"

She told me about her mom then, and I wondered if it was even moral to be grateful that someone had died.

I grabbed her hand, but she pulled it away just like I thought she would and told me not to touch her. There were words I wanted to say to her, but they were too inadequate, too small, just as inadequate and small as I was. I knew she had more to say, and I thought about running away from the rest of her honesty, but I stayed. I owed it to her to let her say those things.

"You know, I actually forgave you for leaving me. I forgave you because I knew what you were up against with that grandfather and family of yours. I think I always knew there was a chance you would leave me because their hold on you was so strong. I thought it was all behind me until you came back and shattered me all over again.

I waited for you, you fuck, and you waltzed down the aisle and never looked back. You didn't even bother to try to find out what the truth was. You abandoned me when I needed you the most and chose to believe I was some money-grubbing piece of garbage. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forgive you for not believing in me. When I look at you, Edward… not every day, but sometimes… I think I hate you for that."

She was in so much pain. I wanted to say those inadequate, small words again, but I knew they would not matter, that they would never be enough.

***************.

I took Jaime out for dinner alone that night because the honesty between Bella and me left us with nothing to say to each other. The dancing was over. Before I left, she assured me we could work together for Jaime's sake, that she would never keep her away from me, and I thanked her for that.

I had decided to move to Seattle to be closer to Jaime and had planned to leave the next morning to clean up my business affairs and dissolve my marriage, but those plans changed. I left that night and had only one purpose.

I was going back to destroy my grandfather.

It was easy to think about my grandfather and how I would make him suffer. It was much easier than thinking about other things, like my failures, my weaknesses, and the sad, pathetic truth of my piece of shit life, because when I did, I saw nothing ahead of me. I couldn't even see my daughter. All I saw was emptiness. Nothing.

Maybe that's why I didn't see the warning sign for the curve in the road ahead of me. Maybe that's why I didn't slow down and why my car flew over the guard rail. After it stopped rolling and came to a standstill, I whispered those inadequate, small words before I saw nothing again.

"_I'm sorry."_

_***************._

_I'm sorry for every lie I ever told. For every tear you ever shed. For every time you needed me and I wasn't there. For everything. Please forgive me. - __Iain Thomas, __I Wrote This For You_


	15. Disappearing

**Hi! Sorry this has taken so long. Real life and all that stuff – you know how it is.**

**Just to clear something up... Jaime wasn't in the car with her dad. I'm sorry that was a little confusing to some people.**

**Thanks for reading and reviewing. The response to this story is still overwhelming me! Remember to get those mammograms! Judy xoxoxo**

*******12/6 - People have been really been interested in my quotes so I put info about "I Wrote This For You" in my profile. -me-**

* * *

**Chapter Fourteen. Disappearing**

Ann and Harry Benton were a retired couple from Idaho. On the night of my accident, they were driving to their daughter's house to visit their new granddaughter when they had a little argument. Ann wanted to stop at a hotel for the night, and Harry wanted to drive straight through because he was cheap and hated the thought of spending $75 just to sleep a few hours in a strange, uncomfortable bed. Harry won like he always did because he was the more stubborn of the two, and Ann put her pillow against the door and fell asleep, pissed off about that. Harry knew she would get over it, though. She always did in the thirty-five years they had been married.

It was about 2:30 am, and they were alone on the road until Harry saw my taillights in the distance. He decided to try to catch up to me just because he was bored and had nothing else to do. He also liked to drive fast, and that was a good excuse to do it. Harry saw the warning sign I didn't see and slowed down. He also saw my car go over the guard rail.

Harry was a good man even if he was cheap and stubborn. He wanted to go down to the car to see if he could help while his wife called 9-11, but she had to stop him because it was too steep and dangerous for him to do that, especially in the dark. Instead, he hollered from the road that help was on the way while Ann cried and hoped whoever was in the car was still alive and heard him.

I wouldn't have been found for days or weeks and would have died from my injuries before that if it wasn't for Harry. A trivial decision made by a stranger saved my life. I should have been grateful for that, but I wasn't. Not at first, anyway.

**************************.

I remember wanting to disappear, quietly, peacefully, but someone was holding my hand and wouldn't let go no matter how many times I tried to pull away. I remember opening my eyes because I wanted to tell whoever it was to let me go, but no one was there when I did, not even me. I thought I had disappeared the way I wanted to, and I was happy.

I woke up again when I thought someone was pulling my lung out. It hurt so much, and I tried to lift my arm to push them away, but it was too heavy. When my head cleared a little, I saw who was hurting me. It was my dad, and I didn't understand why he would to that.

"Stop it. You're hurting me."

"Hold on. I'm just trying to fix this."

"It can't be fixed. Nothing can be fixed," I told him because I wanted him to stop wasting his time.

He looked up when I said that, and I wondered when the color of his eyes had changed. They were supposed to be brown, not green like mine. He was thinner, and his hair was darker. I smiled because I thought it was funny that my dad was dying his hair.

"I like your hair," I told him, and he laughed.

Everything was a little hazy when I looked around.

"Where am I?"

"You had a car accident. You're in the hospital. You have a tube in your lung, and I was trying to adjust it so it would drain properly."

"Why does everything look so weird?"

"It's the medications, Edward. We're going to start lowering the dosage today. You'll be more alert tomorrow."

"I don't want to be more alert. I want to stay the way I am. Are you a doctor now, Dad?"

"Well, I am a doctor, but I'm not your dad. I'm your Uncle Carlisle. You know, the fuck-up in the family."

I wanted to tell him I was the fuck-up in the family, but instead, I closed my eyes and disappeared.

**************************.

My uncle was true to his word, and I was more alert the next day. I didn't remember the accident. I didn't remember going over the guard rail or rolling down the embankment. I did remember everything else, though – who I was, my life – and I was disappointed when I did. It would have been nice to have forgotten all that.

Tanya was sitting in a chair next to my bed, waiting for me to wake up. It was unbelievably awkward being in the same room with her. I wanted her to be someone else, someone who had brown eyes and mahogany running through her hair. I hadn't seen Tanya or talked to her in months, and I couldn't think of one damn thing to say except, "Hello." Tanya had a lot to say, though. She jumped up and hovered over me, fixing my covers and holding the cup while I took a few sips of water. She told me how lucky I was to have her to take care of me and how much she had missed me. She brushed my hair back and told me she wouldn't leave me for a second. She thought I finally needed her, and she was very happy about that. It was pathetic and sad, and I wanted her to stop touching me, but I didn't have the energy to tell her.

My brother was on his way, she told me. My parents were vacationing in some godforsaken country I didn't pay attention to and were having problems getting a flight out of wherever the hell they were. I told Tanya to tell them I was okay and to stay where they were. The last thing I felt like was dealing with my parents.

She told me about my injuries. I didn't pay attention to everything she said, but I did catch some of it. I had a concussion, some internal bleeding, a compound fracture in my left arm, six broken ribs and a punctured lung. The punctured lung was the main concern. It wasn't draining or inflating the way they wanted it to.

"It could have been so much worse. Do you realize how lucky you are?" she asked as she kissed my forehead. I nodded that I did even though I didn't feel very lucky. There wasn't a part of my body that didn't hurt. I had a ferocious headache, and it was unbelievably painful to even breathe.

"Please talk to me, Edward. Tell me what you're thinking."

"I'm thinking I don't want to talk you," I told her before I disappeared.

**************************.

I was watching TV when Emmett came in. He walked around the bed a couple of times and checked me over.

"Holy shit, you're a mess."

"Yeah. Nice to see you, too, Emmett."

He tried to keep the conversation going, but I barely said a word to him. I hardly looked at him.

After an hour, he started waving his hand in front of my face.

"Hey. Edward. Fucking look at me, man."

"Why?"

"Why? Because I'm your brother. Because we haven't talked or seen each other for what? Five or six years now. Because I want to know what the fuck is wrong with you."

"Nothing is wrong with me. Well, other than driving off a cliff or whatever it was."

"What the hell happened to you? It's like your spirit died."

"That's a good way to describe it, I guess."

"Please talk to me, Edward. Tell me what's going on with you." He was almost in tears when he said that, and I realized how much I had missed him and just how much he loved me. Treating him so badly, cutting him out of my life the way I did, was just another thing for me to regret, another mistake to add to my many mistakes as I laid there drowning in them.

"I don't want to talk. I can't. I can't talk about any of it." And then I disappeared again.

I disappeared a lot in the next two weeks. I still saw nothing ahead of me. I still saw emptiness. Nothing. I just existed. What kept me going was my hate for my grandfather and my need and determination to destroy him. I thought about that every day.

Tanya tried hard to take care of me and even managed to stay sober for almost two weeks, but my emptiness and disappearing wore her down, and she just existed also as the days went by. She wanted so much for me to love her, but we both knew I never would. I could never give her what she needed. When she stopped coming in, I knew she was drinking again. I thought about asking someone to check on her, but I never did. She was just another fucked up regret and mistake I didn't want to talk about.

My uncle checked on me every day. He was always in a hurry, though, and didn't stay long. We didn't talk much. He tried, but I just wasn't interested. I answered all his questions, but had nothing else to add to the conversation.

Emmett came to see me every day, also. My state of nothingness affected my brother deeply. Even I could see that. He just wasn't himself. He was preoccupied most of the time, and he was angry. I had never seen my brother angry like that. He was always such a cheerful, optimistic guy, and the change in him bothered me a lot. It was one of the few things that did.

He usually sat with me while we both pretended we were watching TV. He didn't push me to talk, but there was one afternoon when I knew he wanted to. He was restless and impatient, and I knew he had something to say.

"Go ahead, Emmett," I said after forty-five minutes.

"Go ahead and do what?"

"Say what you want to say. Get it over with or leave. Your fidgeting is driving me fucking crazy."

He stood up, walked over to the window and stared outside for a few minutes before he spoke.

"Did you try to kill yourself?"

"Why would you ask me that?"

"Because you're my brother, and I care about you. And I know what happened with Bella and Grandfather. I know everything. "

"How did you find out?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I don't fucking know why it matters. It just does."

"It was Uncle Carlisle. I pushed him into telling because I've been so worried about you."

"How would he know what happened?"

"He knows Bella. He was friends with her dad when he ran the ER at a hospital in Forks. But, that's their story to tell. Ask them. Right now, I want you to answer my question."

"I didn't try to kill myself. You have to believe that. If I was going to kill myself, I wouldn't have done it before I destroyed Grandfather."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

"Yes."

"So that's your life plan? Destroy Grandfather. That's it?"

"Yes. It's the only thing keeping me going right now. It's the only thing driving me to recover."

He sat down again and didn't say anything for a while.

"He's always going to own you, isn't he?" he whispered.

"He doesn't own me."

"The fuck he doesn't. I've watched it all my life. He's pulled your strings and made you dance to his tune from the day you were born. Look at you. He's still pulling your strings. He's all you care about right now."

"Yeah, well, welcome to my pathetic life."

"I can't listen to this bullshit," he said as he jumped out of the chair. "Fuck you, Edward. Fuck you and your pathetic life and your brooding and self-pity."

"Emmett… "

"You have a daughter to think about now. I met her, you know. I met Bella, also. I've been spending time with them. They're beautiful, and I love them already, especially my niece. Do you know how much that little girl loves you? Edward this, Edward that. You're all she talks about. And Bella? She wouldn't leave you after the accident. She held onto your damn hand for almost a day-and-a-half and wouldn't let go no matter how many times you tried to pull it away. You should be thinking about them instead of that fucking piece of shit grandfather of ours."

"Don't you get it? It's easier for me to think about him instead of what I did. I failed Bella and Jaime, and I don't know how to fix that or live with it."

"I do get that, but you've got to find a way to let go of him. You're going to destroy yourself and every chance you have at happiness if you don't."

"I don't know if I can."

"Don't say that. I'm going to make sure you do. You need to be free of him."

"Can I ask you something? Why did Bella leave?"

"That's a question you should be asking your wife, not me. Look. I've got to go. I've got things to do, and I'll see you in a few days. Do me a favor and try to have your head pulled out of your ass by the time I get back. Would you just do that for me? Please?"

"Hey, Em," I called to him right before he walked out the door.

He stopped and turned around. "Yeah?"

"Thanks. Thanks for coming. It's really good to be with you again."

**************************.

After Emmett left, I thought about calling Tanya to find out what happened with Bella. I thought about calling my uncle to find out why him knowing Bella was such a secret. I even thought about disappearing because I was starting to feel again, and I wasn't sure I wanted to do that.

I didn't do any of those things, though. I was so scared to make any move because it seemed like my entire life consisted of wrong moves and wrong decisions. I laid there and did nothing until I realized what I should be doing. It was so simple, and I didn't know why it took me so long to think of it.

I called Bella and Jaime, and when I heard their voices, I knew my next call would be to Harry and Ann to thank them for having the argument that saved my life and gave me a second chance.

**************************.

_"But I just want to stop feeling."_

_"As far as I can tell, there's only one way to stop feeling and that's to die."_

_"That seems a bit drastic."_

_"It is drastic. Perhaps the most drastic thing there is. There are other ways to kill feelings, like drinking a lot or working hard, constantly pushing those around you as far away as possible until there's no way for you to reach out to them, but ultimately, the only way to completely stop feeling, forever, is to die."_

_"I'm not sure I'm ready for that."_

_"Good. You'll be a better person for it."_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"I mean that the most interesting, amazing people I've ever met, the ones who influenced and shaped the universe itself, are the ones that felt too much, but lived through it."_

_"That sounds hard."_

_"It is. It involves living."_

_- __Iain Thomas, __I Wrote This For You_


	16. Everything Costs

**Yup, I'm still alive. Sorry again. Busy at work, busy with Christmas, and ended up having to rewrite this chapter because I didn't write what I planned to in my first attempt. I must have been really pissed at Tanya because she ended up like the psycho in the movie **_**Fatal Attraction**_**, only more psycho. It was fun to write, and some of you would have really liked it, but it was just too much. I had to wait a while to write again when I could be kinder to her – and more realistic. I need to get poor Edward out of the hospital. There's lots of drama going on in his room. Ha! Next chapter.**

**Have a great Christmas and New Year, everyone. Reminder – I put info about **_**I Wrote This for You **_**in my profile. Thanks so much for reading and the reviews! Judy xoxoxo**

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**Chapter Fifteen. Everything Costs**

The day Tanya and I flew kites.

It was one of those perfect days you have when you're a kid that you never forget. It had been years since I thought about that day, and I was surprised by how vivid and clear the memories were.

We bought four of the most expensive kites we could find because we were rich and entitled and knew we deserved the best. We wanted to get the kites flying all at once, and we were excited as we ran to the field behind my house because it was something _we_ wanted to do, not something that was expected of us. We didn't know that then. That was one of those things you realize when you're looking back at a day like that years later.

I saw the two of us sitting on a blanket – it was a blue blanket, I remembered - talking and laughing while we ate the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches we insisted on having instead of the gourmet lunch the cook wanted to pack us and watched our kites in the sky afterward. We promised each other we would be friends forever that day. The sky was bluer than it ever had been, and we thought life would always be that perfect.

We were so fucking proud. We weren't pampered rich kids whose every whim was catered to by nannies, assistants and other people who kiss the asses of the rich sitting there. We were just normal nine-year-olds who had accomplished something awesome and important. We didn't know why flying those kites made us prouder than all the things we were expected to accomplish in our expensive private schools. We were young and didn't think about things like that. We didn't know then that we would think about things like that when we were broken and life was so very far from the perfect we had imagined.

I remembered more than I expected to about that day. I remembered things that wouldn't have mattered to us then, things that only become significant when you're an adult reflecting on your failed life, trying to figure out how it got so fucked up.

The only reason we got all the kites flying was Tanya. I saw myself giving up like I always did when things got hard, stomping into the woods in frustration because we couldn't get the last kite up. "This is stupid. We can't do this," I told Tanya, but she didn't let that stop her. "Come on, Edward, don't give up. We can do this," she yelled to me as I walked away. She knew what she wanted and didn't give up until she got that kite up higher than all the others on her own. I remembered how happy she was when she finally did it.

Getting what she wanted cost her that day, but she didn't care. The cut she got tripping over a rock that would need stitches later in the ER or the scar it left didn't matter. It was so worth it, she said.

I was as happy as she was and didn't feel bad about walking away at all. Tanya knew what I would do when things got hard, and she was okay with that, just like everyone else in my life was okay with it. There was always someone around to fix whatever I ran away from, just like Tanya did that day.

That's what I thought about - that perfect moment in time - when I woke up and saw Tanya, covered with scars and destroying herself to get what she wanted, sitting in a chair staring at me, the man who walked away from everything that mattered to him because it got too hard and found there was no one there to fix anything except the one person who didn't know how to fix a fucking thing - him.

********************.

It was her crying that woke me up.

"You're always so disappointed when you see me, and it isn't her," she whispered when I looked at her.

I whispered 'Fuck," under my breath and closed my eyes. She was already wearing on me just like she always wore on me, and I wanted to run away. I laid there for a few minutes and came up with at least a dozen reasons not to open my eyes again. I almost had myself convinced to ignore her and go back to sleep until I whispered "Fuck" under my breath again and looked at her.

I needed to stop running, and that was the moment I chose to stop. If I wanted to fix my life, I wasn't going to do it by running away and disappearing. I promised myself I wouldn't do that again after I talked to Bella and Jaime.

********************.

Jaime was sweet and wonderful, and I felt unbelievably guilty for wallowing in my self-pity and not calling her sooner. That was a mistake I would never make again as long as I lived.

"I drew you a picture! Mommy told me you were a mess. Are you better now?"

"I am getting better and will see you as soon as I can, okay?"

"I love you," she told me, and she kissed the phone loudly a few times.

"I love you too, baby. So much. So very much." She giggled when I kissed the phone back and whispered to Bella.

"Mommy, you should hear Edward kissing the phone. He's _soooo_ cute," I heard her say, and I felt a few tears run down my face because I loved that little girl so fucking much.

Bella and I didn't talk long, but she told me she was happy I called before we hung up, and that was enough. I needed to start somewhere with her, and a short, friendly phone conversation seemed like a good beginning to me. I thanked her for sitting with me and apologized for Tanya's behavior the night she arrived at the hospital. I didn't ask what happened because I knew what happened after seeing Tanya drunk and out of control over the years. Bella didn't say too much about it, just that she was surprised Tanya seemed to know so much about her. It was the damndest thing that she wasn't angry with Tanya like I expected her to be. She felt sorry for her.

"She was sad and tragic, and I didn't want to add to that so I left when she asked me to."

"You didn't have to leave,"

"Yes, I did. She's your wife, Edward. I didn't belong there. She did."

I wanted to tell her about my nightmare of a marriage, but I didn't have a good explanation to give her. "_My life became one huge, continuous temper tantrum after you left because I was an entitled spoiled brat, and I did asinine, appalling things like marry a woman I didn't love when I knew it was going to be a disaster instead of being a man and looking for you,"_ just didn't seem like an adequate explanation at the time even though it summed me up quite nicely.

********************.

Tanya looked haggard and used up, and the perfection that hid all the fucked up bullshit that was eating her up was gone, replaced by a messy ponytail and hair hanging in her face, red and swollen eyes, lines and flaws that weren't concealed under layers of a make-believe face, and a pair of baggy sweat pants and an old t-shirt.

I knew about that kind of perfection. I used it to keep my own illusion intact just like she did until my fucked up bullshit oozed out of the cracks, and I couldn't stop it. I knew that was happening to her. Her illusion was unraveling. She was unraveling.

I couldn't tell if she had been drinking so I asked her because I didn't feel like talking to a drunk at 1:00 in the morning. "I'm sober. Too sober," she whispered. She seemed too exhausted to even talk.

"What do you want, Tanya?"

She pushed the hair out of her eyes and wiped her tears away with the back of her hand.

"I came to say goodbye to you, but I don't know how to do that. I don't have a memory that doesn't include you in some way or another. You were my first best friend. I went to my first dance with you. You were the first boy I kissed, and the first boy I had sex with. So many of my firsts were with you."

We did have so many firsts together, and somehow it seemed fitting to me that we had another one to share – our first failed marriage.

"It's time to say goodbye. You know that."

"I do. I do know that."

She cried for a long time after that. I grabbed a box of tissues and thought that was probably the kindest thing I had ever done for my wife as I handed her the box. I thought about comforting her in some way. I thought about holding her hand or hugging her, but I just couldn't touch her, so I sat on the side of my bed, looking at everything but her, until she calmed down.

"All of this, it seems so surreal. I thought we would have that happily ever after I wanted with you when we got married. It never occurred to me that it would end like this. Not once."

"I told you what our marriage would be. I told you I would never love you. I practically begged you not to marry me."

"Yes. You were quite the gentleman, Edward."

"No, I wasn't. If I was a gentleman, I would never have married you. It was unconscionable that I did, and I'll always regret that. Look what it's done to you."

"Are you talking about my drinking? You think you did that to me? I do that to myself. All of it was my choice. Marrying you. Drinking. Staying."

"I gave you every reason to drink."

She shook her head when I said that and even laughed a little.

"That's so typical of you, thinking the world revolves around you. I don't need a reason to drink. I make a lot of excuses and blame many things, mostly you, but I drink because I choose to drink, because I want to drink. Normal people get a divorce when their marriage is unhappy; they don't drink themselves to death. Alcoholics do that."

She walked over to the sink and splashed water on her face. She stared at herself in the mirror while she dried it off, and I recognized the expression on her face that was reflected back to me. I recognized that self-hate and disgust. I still saw it when I looked in the mirror, and I hoped we both would see something different, something good, something more, one day in the future when we looked at ourselves. For some reason, I was feeling very generous toward her, but of course, that would change.

She sat down again, leaned her head back and stared at the ceiling.

"I'm going to a place where they say they can help drunks like me. Your Uncle Carlisle is bringing me there today," she whispered. "Maybe they can save my soul."

"My uncle? You called him?" I asked, even though I really didn't care.

"Not.. not exactly. Someone else called him for me. Please don't be mad at me," she said like a child who was caught doing something really bad, and then I cared.

"Bella called him. I went to her house. "

She looked at me after she said that, waiting for my reaction, and I knew I surprised her when I didn't say a word to her and picked up my phone.

"Hi. Are you okay? I heard you had a visitor."

"I'm fine. Your uncle was going to tell you about it when he came into work. She just left about an hour ago and promised to go right to her hotel, but I'm guessing she's paying you a late night visit now?"

"Yup. Did Jaime see all this drama?"

"No. She slept right through it. Tanya really didn't do anything, Edward. She mostly just cried. Be patient with her. She's so lost."

"Great idea, Bella. I'll be sure to do that. Thanks for the helpful hint," I told her as I stared at Tanya.

After I put my phone down, I walked over to her. She tried to move the chair back, but I grabbed the arms rests and pulled it toward me. She turned her face away as I tipped the chair back and leaned over her.

"Listen to me because I'm only going to tell you this once, you miserable fucking drunk. Stay away from Bella. Stay away from her house. Stay away from her neighborhood. Don't go near her again."

"I wasn't drunk."

"Drunk. Sober. I don't give a shit. Stay away from her. Do me a favor, and get the fuck out of here."

I had to walk to the other side of the room then. I was too furious to be that close to her for very long, and I stared out the window, waiting for her to leave. She just sat there, though, and that surprised me. I didn't know then that she needed to confess, that she needed to talk about her scars and all the wounds and scars she had given others.

"Nothing happened," she said after a few minutes. "I didn't even ring the doorbell. I ended up sitting on her front porch, crying. She saw me or heard me… I'm not sure. She brought me in the house and made me coffee and a sandwich. I just sat there and cried, and I don't think she knew what to do with me, so she called your uncle."

"She should have called the police."

"I was surprised she didn't, but she seems like a kind person. Kinder than I am."

"She's kinder than both of us. That's why she doesn't deserve all this bullshit. What possessed you to go there?"

"Guilt, hate… "

I turned to look at her when she said that.

"Hate? For what? For loving me? Because that's all she did. That's all she ever did."

"I… I didn't hate her for loving you. I understood that. I hated her because you loved her back."

"You knew about Bella from the beginning, didn't you?"

"I did. You grandfather made sure of that."

"I didn't realize you two were so chummy."

"We weren't. We became unlikely allies. We had common goals."

"Goals. Like keeping me?"

"That. And getting rid of her."

I looked out the window again while she told me about all the things I was too fucking stupid to see.

"Your grandfather told me to get out of town when you came home to break our engagement. He told me not to worry, that he would take care of everything. I knew he was going to get rid of Bella, and I was happy about that. I didn't know how he was going to do it, and I didn't fucking care. I didn't care what it cost you or what it cost her; I only cared about what I wanted."

"Did you know she was pregnant?"

"He told me when he got back. It didn't matter."

"It didn't matter? My child didn't matter? You selfish piece of shit."

"I loved you. I didn't want to lose you. I'm so sorry, Edward. I'm so sorry I did that to you."

"Don't apologize to me. It's not about me. It's about my daughter. It's about Bella. I did a lot of shitty things and maybe I deserved whatever I got, but they sure as hell didn't deserve any of this."

"I did what I thought was necessary, just like you did when you lied about us to keep Bella."

She was right about that, of course, but I didn't admit that to her. I did do what was necessary when I didn't tell Bella I was engaged, but I told myself what I did was different somehow, that I was a better person because I was going to tell Bella the truth when I got back to her. I believed that for about thirty seconds until I remembered how much that lie I saw as so harmless cost me.

"You knew about the money and notes?"

"Yes. The old bastard kept tabs on her and knew exactly where she was. It was your grandfather's idea to do that, but I helped him. He knew I was a master at forging your handwriting. I had been doing it all over town on checks and contracts for the wedding. I was against it at first, and it took a couple of weeks for him to convince me. He was relentless. He kept telling me we had to do it, that it was the only thing that might keep her away. 'She can show up at your doorstep at any time and take him away from you,' he told me over and over until I finally gave in. My only condition was that he send $20,000 instead of the $10,000 he wanted to send. I thought that was probably more money than she'd ever had and would make her happy somehow. I told myself I was doing something good for her and the baby, but really, it was all about me. I thought it would relieve some of my guilt."

"Ten grand a year to relieve your guilt for breaking someone's heart. That's a fucking bargain."

"It worked for a few years. I waited for you to get over her, and thought you would finally start looking at me, but you didn't. You were so unhappy and haunted, and I knew I had caused that. I was drinking a lot by then, and that helped. I could drink it all away… the guilt, her, everything. Now… I can't drink anything away. "

"Did you tell Bella any of this?"

"I didn't. I wanted to, but… "

"Of course, you didn't, you fucking coward. It's so much easier to play on her kindness, isn't it?"

I didn't have anything to say to her after that. She kept talking for a while, explaining, apologizing and begging me for things I couldn't give her like understanding and forgiveness until I asked her to leave.

"I… I'm going to get better. I'm going to change and become the person I want to be," she told me before she walked away from the unfortunate life we had created.

And when she said that, I thought about that girl I flew kites with and went over to her. I was surprised that all the things she did and all the things I did and all the ugliness between us didn't exist for the minute or so I held her.

"I hope you get what you want," I whispered to her as I remembered the day we promised each other we would be friends forever and said goodbye to her.

********************.

I didn't close my eyes after she left. I kept them wide open and thought about the regrets I had and the toll my mistakes and weaknesses had taken on everyone around me. I thought about all the things I could have done and all the things I should have done until Bella walked into the room. Tanya asked her to do that because she knew it would make me happy, and I thought that was probably the kindest thing my wife had ever done for me.

"Hey," she whispered as she brushed my hair back. "You need a haircut."

I smiled when she said that. I kept my eyes open and told her what was in my heart.

"I'm so fucking happy to see you."

"Yeah, me too," she whispered as she leaned down and gave me a quick kiss.

"I have something for you, something I've wanted to give you since I found you again," I told her as I took my wallet out of the night stand drawer. I stared at the charm her father gave her for a few moments, just like I had stared at it so many times over the years, before I gave it to her.

She was so happy to have it, just as happy as I thought she would be the day I found it in our empty apartment a lifetime before. I didn't know just how much it would mean to her, though. I didn't know she would put it on a necklace that night and wear it every day for the rest of her life. It reminded her of love and second chances and forgiveness and all of the things she thought were valuable in life, she would tell me later.

She smiled as she looked it and said, "Wow. I can't believe you found it. Remember how many hours we looked for it? Where was it?"

"In the corner under the bed. Well, where the bed was."

And that's when she stopped smiling and looked at me.

"You… you went back after I left," she whispered and looked so sad.

"I did. Of course, I did."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't know. Didn't have the chance. Never the right time, I guess."

"It's the right time now," she whispered, and I told her everything then as she sat on the side of my bed and listened.

I told her what Tanya did, and that didn't surprise her. She wasn't very angry about it. She still felt sorry for her, and I didn't understand that.

"She's weak and flawed, but I don't think she would have done any of this on her own. Your grandfather used her weaknesses to his own advantage, just like he used yours and mine when he found out I was pregnant, and manipulated her so easily. Maybe someday she'll realize that and will stop being so hard on herself. I hope so. I hope she can find happiness some day.

"How can you forgive her so easily?"

"It's either that, or I hate her, I guess, and that's not the way I want to live my life."

"But, look at what it cost us."

"Everything cost us, Edward. What she did, what your grandfather did, what you did, what I did… ," she whispered as she stared at her charm and started crying. "I should have called you. I should have given you a chance."

She cried for a long time. I didn't just hand her a box of tissues or look at everything but her when she cried, though. I picked her up, and she whispered, "Your ribs, Edward." I told her not to worry about me as I held her and rocked her. I didn't care about the pain or what it cost me to comfort her and whisper the words I still thought were too inadequate and small.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I'm so sorry," I whispered over and over.

"I'm sorry I told you I hated you," she said after she had calmed down a bit. "I'm so sorry I said that. I didn't mean it, and I was so scared I wouldn't get the chance to tell you after your accident. I could never hate you. I wanted to. It would have made life easier at times, but it wasn't possible for me to hate you."

"Stop. I deserved that. I lied to you and let you down in every way."

"And I didn't let you down? I let your grandfather put doubts in my mind even though I knew you loved me. There wasn't a piece of me that didn't believe that. You went back for me, and I should have known that's what you would do."

She was letting me off the hook again, just like she did that first night I spent with her after I was such an asshole about her dad, and I couldn't allow her to do that anymore than I could that night.

"Listen to me. I lied to you, and he terrorized you. You did exactly what I would have wanted you to do. You protected our child. That was more important than anything."

She started crying again and could barely talk. "I was scared and confused and so angry with you, but I should have called you anyway. Everything would have been different. Why the fuck didn't I call you," she whispered and she was back in the apartment again. I imagined her that day while I held her, gloriously happy one moment and terrified the next, as she stood there alone. I told her it wasn't her fault, that she did everything she should have done, but I wasn't sure I had convinced her when she finally stopped crying and apologized for getting so upset.

"Stop apologizing," I told her.

She made a joke then, like some people do after they cry the way that she did.

"I was some protector, wasn't I? The fucker knew exactly where I was."

"That doesn't matter. You tried. You did what was best for Jaime, and that's what matters."

"Your uncle tried to convince me to call you when he got there. I should have listened to him."

"He was the friend of your dad's that helped you? Emmett told me you two knew each other."

"Yes. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. It just seemed to be too complicated to tell you that first day you were at the house, and then he asked me to let him tell you. I don't know why, but I guess he has his reasons. I didn't like keeping it from you, but I couldn't tell him no. He's done so much for me. Esme and Carlisle are more than friends to Jaime and me. They're our family. They've practically adopted us. I hope you're not mad at me."

"I'm not. I'm glad you have them. I'm surprised you called him, though."

"I never looked at the emergency number my dad left me until then. I almost didn't call when I saw the last name, but I trusted my dad's judgment. Carlisle tells me we met when I was young, but hell if I remember him. When I found out he was your uncle, I thought I was in some kind of warped parallel universe or had done something really miserable in a past life and was being punished for it."

We both laughed when I said, "Yeah, the Cullens seem to have that effect on people."

Bella gave me the picture Jaime drew for me before she left, and I knew I would keep it forever. It was as if Jaime took my dream and put it on paper to make it real for me. She drew the three of us, holding hands and smiling. She drew a huge sun in the right corner and hearts and little x's and o's all over the paper. She even gave us a dog and a cat. We were standing in front of a huge, old house surrounded by trees, and I could see a window seat. I saw a family - my family, the family I wanted - and I told Bella that.

She smiled and said, "We are a family, Edward, because of Jaime. An unconventional family, but still a family. We are stuck with each other, I think."

I told her I had never stopped loving her then and asked if she could see a time when she could give us a second chance. She didn't answer me, though, and we talked about other things. After she left, my eyes remained open. I thought about the price Bella had paid for just loving me and understood why she didn't answer me.

"I've been sitting in my car, thinking about your question. The answer is yes. Maybe someday… maybe someday we can get past all of this. I hope we can," she said, standing in the doorway an hour later.

I couldn't speak at first and just stared at her after she told me she was willing to open up her heart to me again.

"How can you even think about doing that, Bella? Look at what it cost you the first time around."

"Because I think there is someone underneath all that rich kid, _'this is what is expected of me'_ bullshit who is worth knowing," she said softly, and I knew she was wondering if I would remember her saying that on our first date at that old, hole-in-the-wall Italian restaurant she loved.

She smiled when I told her the same thing I told her that night. "Maybe you're wrong. Maybe that's all there is."

"Maybe I am wrong. I could be, but I don't think so. In fact, I know I'm not wrong," she said as she looked at me and saw someone good, someone kind, someone who was worth her time - someone I couldn't see yet – underneath all that flawed and imperfect.

********************.

_Even after the entire world has taken me apart, there's still a part of me left for you.- __Iain Thomas, I Wrote This For You_


	17. I Can't See Him

**I bet you thought I abandoned this story. Nope. That would never happen. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be gone for so long. I got caught up in some remodeling, and it took way more time and energy than I thought it would, but that's all over now (thank goodness)! I've kept poor Edward in the hospital way too long so it's time to get him out of there. Thank you so much for reading and all those wonderful reviews! Remember to get those mammograms! Love, Judy xoxoxo**

* * *

**Chapter Sixteen. I Can't See Him**

After Bella left, I looked in the mirror and tried to see the man she saw, but all that was reflected back at me was still a whole lot of flawed and imperfect. That's probably all there really is, and I'll just end up disappointing her again, I thought, as I walked to my bed and went to sleep.

Old habits die hard. It was just so much easier to disappear than think about all of that.

***************.

"Get dressed. You're going home," my Uncle Carlisle said when he walked into my room, pushing a wheelchair.

"Well, that's great news, but I can't just leave. I don't have a home at the moment. I need time to make some arrangements."

"Of course you have a home. My home."

"I can't do that. I can't inconvenience you and Esme."

"Oh, for God's sake," he mumbled as he walked over to the closet, grabbed a pair of pants and a shirt, and threw them on the bed, "It's not an inconvenience. We would love to have you. I'm looking forward to spending some time with you. So is Esme. And, I still need to keep an eye on that lung and having you at the house will make that easier. Get dressed, Edward, before I change my mind and leave you here for another week."

Of course, I jumped out of bed immediately and was ready to go in about five minutes.

"Bella and I were just talking about you yesterday," I told him in the car.

"I heard Emmett spilled the beans about that."

"Why were you so secretive? I don't get it."

"Once a Cullen, always a Cullen, I guess. It must be in my DNA."

That made me laugh. "Yeah, we're good at shit like that."

"I'm just kidding, Edward. The truth is that I wanted to be the one who told you."

"Why? What difference did it make?"

"Because we are still family no matter what, and I thought maybe you would feel that I betrayed you in some way. I didn't want that to happen. I wanted a chance to explain everything to you."

"Honestly, I would have hated you for it few months ago. I wouldn't have even given you a chance to explain. But now … now I'm just glad she had you to turn to. Tell me about it, Carlisle."

"It's quite the twist of fate, isn't it? Charlie was in and out of the ER as you would imagine the Chief of Police would be in a small town like Forks, and I got to know him well. We went for the occasional beer or had lunch together when we could, but Charlie wasn't much for socializing so it's not like we were going to each other's house all the time. Bella was just a kid then. Just starting middle school, I think. I lost contact with him after I moved to Seattle – neither one of us were much for chatting on the phone – and that's one thing I'll always regret. About six months before he died, he showed up at my office. He told me he was dying and had a favor to ask me. He was worried about Bella. God, Charlie loved that girl. I'll always remember that about him. He was worried because she would be all alone after he was gone, and he wanted to make sure she had someone to count on, someone she could call if she ever needed anything. He asked me if I would be willing to be that person, and of course, I said yes."

I should have been that person, I thought. I wanted to be, but I failed in the most spectacular way. I looked out the window and thought about another failure of mine while he continued to talk.

"He told me he would give Bella my number, but didn't expect her use it. She was independent and resourceful and probably would never need my help, he told me. That's why it surprised me when she called me so soon after he died. She was almost hysterical when she practically begged for some help to get out of town. Imagine my surprise when she told me who she was running away from – my own nephew and grandfather. It definitely put me in an awkward position, and I was surprised by the twinge of family loyalty I felt, but a promise is a promise, especially when it comes to Charlie Swan, so I went to her. Luckily, I was close. I was on my way to Paris for a medical convention and had stopped in New York to visit a friend. Esme arranged for a moving company to put Bella's things into storage while I drove to her, and they were already there by the time I arrived. That drive was a good thing for me."

"Why's that?"

"It calmed me down. It stopped me from finding my father and killing the motherfucker."

He was so angry when he said that, and I understood that. I knew what it was like to feel that kind of anger. At myself. At others. At the world.

"It never crossed your mind to call me?"

"It did. I even mentioned it to Bella several times, but she was adamant about not calling you. You have to understand, Edward, that shewas terrified and didn't know who to trust. That's a terrible place to be in life, especially when you are young and pregnant. I wanted her to trust me and just couldn't go behind her back and call you. She needed a family, and that's what Esme and I became that day. I sent her to Esme and went on to Paris. She stayed with us for a few months. She waited for you to find her, you know. She never quite believed what your grandfather told her about you. I don't think I've ever seen anyone as heartbroken as she was when she received that first letter from you. You got married right after that, and she truly believed you didn't want anything to do with Jaime. I did, too. To be honest, I really didn't think much of you after that. I considered you worthless."

"I didn't send those letters or the money. I had no idea Jaime even existed."

"Bella told me that. Knowing what I know now, I sometimes wish I had interfered. I look at how much heartache I could have saved both of you if I had just picked up the phone and called you, but I couldn't. It wasn't my place. It wasn't my story. It was your story and Bella's story to finish, not mine."

"You did something more important, Carlisle. You took care of them and kept them safe. I'm grateful for that. Charlie. He was a good man, wasn't he?"

"He was one of the finest men I ever knew. He was kind, compassionate and tough. Charlie never took any shit. He knew who he was and never deviated from that or his principles."

"He was a lucky man, knowing who he was and all. That's something I've yet to perfect."

My uncle looked at me after I said that.

"You've grown up under your Grandfather's thumb. So did I. It's tough to find out who you really are under those circumstances, Edward. It was for me."

"I can't imagine you ever not knowing who you are, Carlisle."

"I had my struggles, believe me. I made plenty of mistakes. I almost lost Esme, you know."

"Really? I grew up believing Carlisle Cullen never made mistakes."

"I was exactly what my father wanted me to be for a long time. I worked in the family business and was engaged to the appropriate woman when I met Esme. I fell deeply in love with her, but still, I was too chicken shit to take on my father. I thought I could have everything I wanted, of course, in my arrogant, entitled Cullen way without actually standing up and being a man and decided to go through with the marriage and offered to set up a nice, cozy apartment for Esme so I could keep her for myself on the side. That's how screwed up I was."

"You do know you are now killing all the hero worship I had for you all my life, right? What did she do?"

"There are no heroes in the Cullen family, Edward. You should know that. What do you think she did? She told me to go fuck myself, quit her job and moved to New York. It took me three months to get my head out of my ass and go to her. I bet you remember my dramatic departure. We got married after a couple of years, I went to medical school like I always wanted to, and here we are today."

"You make it sound so easy."

"It wasn't easy at all. Any of it. Becoming the man I wanted to be was hard. Even believing I could be who I wanted to be was hard. Getting Esme to trust me again was even harder, but I kept at it. I never gave up. "

"Are you trying to tell me something, Carlisle?"

He looked at me and smiled.

"I am. Weren't you the kid who always gave up so easily? I seem to remember that about you. Change that about yourself, Edward. Change it now. Don't give up on working things out with Bella. God knows you both deserve some peace and happiness."

"She does. I'm not sure I do. This was my fault. I did this. She did nothing wrong."

"Well, I'm not sure Bella would agree with you on that. She has her own regrets. There's enough regret on everyone's part in this to last a lifetime, Edward. Maybe you should stop being quite so hard on yourself. It might even be time to start forgiving yourself now that you've been handed this second chance to make it right."

"I'm getting tired of hearing all this second chance bullshit. You tell me how to erase and make up for what I did and get back the years I lost with Bella and my daughter because I sure as fuck don't know how to do it."

"I can't do that for you, but I'll give you some great advice that I had to learn the hard way if you want me to."

"Okay, Carlisle. Hit me with that wisdom of yours."

"Get your head out of your ass. Stop whining , brooding and feeling sorry for yourself and figure out whatever the fuck you need to figure out. Be a man. What do you think of that wisdom, Edward?"

"I'm kind of thinking you sound like Vito Corleone in the Godfather when he told Johnnie to be a man while he was crying in his library. Except the Godfather slapped him around in the movie. Is that coming next, Carlisle?"

"No, I won't be slapping you around any time soon. But, I do sound like him, don't I," he said, smiling. "I am your uncle – that's pretty close to being a godfather. Well, whatever. It's good advice. Don't let your mistakes define you for the rest of your life. I can tell you, without a doubt, that you will find you're so much more than you think you are."

I thought about what defined me for the rest of the drive. Of course, all my mistakes and missteps and the fucked up past came to mind immediately, but two beautiful faces and two sets of brown eyes that saw more in me than I ever did also came to mind. I wanted to believe Bella and my uncle were right, and I promised myself I would stop wallowing in a past I couldn't change and find that man they saw underneath all that flawed and imperfect.

I was sincere when I made that promise to myself, but I ended up breaking that promise just like I broke so many promises. I thought that day would be a new beginning, but I found out soon enough there was one thing I couldn't let go of. There was one thing I still needed to do, one thing I had to do before I did anything else. I needed to destroy my grandfather and get the revenge I longed for. I needed that more than anything.

My grandfather. He still owned me, just like my brother said he did.

***************.

_I keep wondering, how many people do you need to be before you can become yourself. - Iain Thomas_


	18. Revenge Part One

**Hi! No explanations about where I've been right now - that will give too much away. All I can tell you is getting Grandpa what he deserves has turned out to be a lot more than I thought it would ever be - three chapters to be exact.**

** I hope you are dancing and getting those mammograms! As always, thank you for reading and taking the time to review. I love each and every one of them! Judy xoxoxo**

* * *

**Chapter Seventeen. Revenge. Part One.**

Revenge. Retribution. Payback. Vengeance. Retaliation.

People think of those things all the time when they've been betrayed. It's just human nature to want to strike back and even the score, thinking it will somehow lessen the pain and anger and make them feel whole again. They think of all kinds of ways to get the satisfaction they feel they deserve, but in the end, they just stop thinking about things like that and go on with their lives. They decide that living well is the best revenge. I thought only people like my grandfather - and me - actually went through with making someone pay for what they did, but I was wrong about that. Even the kindest, gentlest soul is capable of cold, calculating revenge.

**********************.

Jaime came running out as soon as we pulled into the driveway and barely gave me enough time to get out of the car before she jumped into my arms.

"There you are," she said as she looked at me and saw so much more than I did. The love and trust she had for me was evident in her eyes, and it made me want to be better. It made me want to be worth all that love and trust she gave me unconditionally.

I kissed her beautiful face and told her, "I missed you, baby."

"I still don't think it's fair that Mommy wouldn't let me go to see you."

"Don't blame your mom for that, honey. Blame me. I was one big mess, and I didn't want you to see me like that. And hospitals are pretty yucky, anyway. You didn't miss anything, believe me."

"Well, I'm glad you're out of that yucky place then. I really missed you". She looked around to make sure her mom wouldn't hear her and whispered in my ear. "So did Mommy. I think she wants to be your girlfriend." I could tell she had been dying to tell me that.

"Oh, I see. And you know about these things, do you?"

"Yes, I do. I'm not dumb. I'm almost five, and I know what's going on.""

"Alright, calm down. I didn't say you're dumb. I was wondering how you knew about things like girlfriends and boyfriends. Do _you_ have a boyfriend?" I asked her while I held my breath and thought to myself, "_Tell me no. Tell me no. Tell me no."_

I was able to breathe again when she whispered, "Eeewwwwwwww. No way. Boys are stupid."

"Perfect answer, Jaime. Keep it like that until you're like thirty, okay?"

She ignored me just like she would always ignore me when I said something like that in the years that followed, especially when she was a teenager. I didn't know that then, though. I didn't know much of anything then.

"So do you want to hear how I know she wants to be your girlfriend?" she asked me and didn't bother to wait to hear my answer. "She was really happy when you called and after she went to see you. And it made her sad when you got hurt. She was holding her most favorite thing in the world that I'm never allowed to touch – not even one little finger – in her bedroom and crying. She didn't want me to know, but I snuck in there and saw her."

I should have talked to Jaime about her sneaking around and spying on her mom, but of course, I didn't when I had the chance to find out what Bella's most favorite thing in the world was. I didn't bother to ask Jaime, though. I knew she would keep talking because that's what Jaime did – she talked. And talked. And talked.

"It's a snow globe, and it's beautiful. It has a little tiny city in it, and you shake it up, and it starts snowing. She always tells me she wants to jump into it and be there again. And I can go with her if she does. Maybe she'll take you. I'll ask her. Would you want to go with us?"

It was so easy to tell her, "I would, honey. I would love to go there with you and your mom," because if there was ever a time and a place I would have gone back to, it was Paris. I would have given anything to be back in that perfect moment in time that we had. We were so happy there. Life was uncomplicated and easy, and we knew we had everything, everything that mattered, everything that would ever matter. It wasn't really uncomplicated and easy, though. I thought I had it all under control then even though I had nothing under control. That was the only thing I would have changed about that time – how profoundly and utterly stupid, naive and arrogant I was. Everything would have been different if I could have.

"Hey, you. What are you thinking about?"

"I was thinking about… do-overs. " I liked that description because that's what I wanted. A do-over.

She shook her head no and told me, "There's no such thing as do-overs."

"I know. I wish there was."

"Mommy told me there's something better than a do-over. One time I painted a picture and messed it all up. I tried to fix it, but it just got dumber, and I threw a fit. She didn't even get mad at me for that. She just threw out the yucky picture and gave me a new piece of paper. She said I couldn't change the yucky picture, but I could paint a new picture, a better picture. So I tried it, and you know what," she whispered, dramatically.

"What?"

"It worked. I didn't think about that yucky picture after I painted a new picture. It was better, and I was happy again. Did you ever do that, Edward? Paint a new picture after you messed up?"

I looked at her and tried to figure out how in the hell a four-year-old could say exactly what I needed to hear before I answered her.

"No, I never did that, honey, but I think I'll give it a try," I told her as I hugged her close to me and thought about painting a new picture.

I knew Bella was behind me before she spoke. Everything changed when she was near me – my mood, the air, my breathing, my heart beat.

"I've given you two enough time alone. It's my turn now. Welcome home, Edward," she said as she smiled at me, and the world felt right again. It was a beautiful smile. I pulled her to me just to smell her hair, just to feel her next to me. All I could do was whisper, "Bella," as the extraordinary realization that she was still there, waiting for me after all I had done and all the times I had failed her, left me speechless.

**********************.

The next two weeks were pretty damn perfect. My grandfather was the furthest thing from my mind, and I didn't think about him once. It was two weeks of peace, two weeks of happiness and two weeks of spending time with Bella and Jaime before he crawled into my mind again.

I was at Bella's that night. She was happy that she had someone to cook for again, and she cooked for me whenever she had the chance. It was nice to cook for someone who wasn't a picky eater like our daughter was, she said, and I could understand that. Jaime was just about the pickiest eater on the planet. Finding something she liked to eat besides macaroni and cheese and cookies was quite the challenge.

Bella had a dishwasher in her house, but somehow, we fell into our old routine. She washed, and I dried. There were no passionate kisses or telling her the dishes could wait while I carried her into the bedroom, but it was comfortable and familiar, doing the dishes and talking. We found a part of our past again, a part that wasn't all fucked up or tarnished, and we both seemed to need that.

Bella was giving Jaime a bath after dinner. I could hear them singing – well, Bella was singing and Jaime was screaming – and it made me smile. My two beautiful girls. I couldn't make out the lyrics, but it didn't matter. It was nice just hearing them and knowing they were close. I found a photo album on a book shelf and sat down on the couch to look at it while I waited for them. The first couple of pages had pictures of Bella when she was pregnant.

At first, all I saw was the beauty of her. I traced her belly with my fingers, amazed by how huge she was, while I thought about the possibility of another baby and another pregnancy that I could be a part of. It was a step forward for me, thinking about the future instead of bitterly looking back at the past and all that I had missed. I saw Bella's strength and determination, and the happiness having our child brought her. Then I saw more. I saw the shadows under her eyes and how tired she was. She was smiling in every picture, and I saw what was behind her smile. I didn't imagine anyone else would have seen it, but I did. Her smile wasn't as big as it always was when she was truly happy. Her eyes didn't shine nearly as bright as I knew they could. I saw it in every picture – that sad, bittersweet, lonely expression - as I felt the familiar anger returning. I'd spent a lot of time thinking about how hard that time must have been for her, but nothing I imagined compared to actually seeing what was left of her after my grandfather got done with her.

I didn't punish myself for that like I usually did. _He_ did that to her. H_e_ set it all into motion, I thought, as I swore to myself he would pay dearly for the suffering he inflicted on her no matter how long it took me to do it.

Bella sat down next to me after she got Jaime ready for bed.

"Well, the Princess is finally playing quietly in her room. God, she is exhausting sometimes. Oh, boy, look at those pictures. I was a whale, wasn't I?"

"No, you were beautiful. And sad. Lonely."

"I was. I can't deny that, but there was also a lot of happiness and excitement waiting for that daughter of yours to be born."

"Don't try to sugarcoat it, Bella, not for me. I can see how hard it was for you. "

We didn't say anything for a few minutes while I stared at the photos, and she stared at me.

"Talk to me, Edward. What's going on in that head of yours?"

"He needs to pay for what he did to you. That's what's going on in my head."

"It didn't just happen to me. You were hurt, too."

"It's not the same. I wasn't pregnant and threatened the way you were. Surely you can see the difference. I will make him suffer for that. All I need to do is look at these pictures to know it's the right thing to do."

"The right thing to do? You think carrying on this Cullen bullshit is the right thing to do? End it now and stop playing the game. That's how you win, Edward. Let it go. Do that for me, for us."

"I would do anything for you except that. I can't let this go."

"It won't change anything."

"Do you honestly think I can walk away without destroying him?"

"Yes, I think you could. For the right reasons."

"The right reasons. Like what?"

"Jaime. Me. Us. We need to move forward. _You_ need to move forward, and you never will as long as you are consumed by him. "

"You don't get it, Bella. I _need_ to do this before I can move forward. I have no choice. Anyway, revenge is sweet. Isn't that what they say?"

"I don't think that's true."

"Well, I guess I'll find out."

"We're just at the beginning of this second chance we have. Please don't disappear again. I just got you back."

I promised her I wouldn't disappear, but of course, I did. I disappeared immediately, even before I left her house.

She ran after me when I walked out the door. "Aren't you going to say goodnight to your daughter?"

"Oh, shit. I forgot."

"Yeah, I noticed that," she said before she walked back into the house, shut the door and locked it.

**********************.

I thought about murdering him again, of course, but when it came right down to it, I knew I couldn't really murder anyone no matter how much I hated them. I decided to go after him in another way, a way that would truly infuriate him. I started digging into the vast Cullen Empire.

When I was in the family business, I conducted the business affairs I was involved in by the book. I didn't have much integrity in my life then, but I did have it when it came to business. We had more than enough money and power, and there was really no reason to cheat or lie. We always got what we wanted. On the surface, my grandfather appeared to do the same, but people like him are never satisfied. They get greedy and nothing is ever enough for them. They start breaking the rules, thinking they were too rich and powerful to be held accountable, and I knew there was evidence of that somewhere.

I didn't have access to the company network anymore, but the public information that was easily available on the internet led me to the skeletons I was looking for after weeks and weeks of research. I had trusted business contacts obtain the information I couldn't access. Most of them hated him as much as I did and were quite willing to take a part in bringing him down. They were all looking forward to the surprise ambush I was planning.

I called Emmett often to tell him what I was finding and ask him if he knew anything about it.

"Why ask me? I'm just the dumbass grandson he banished to Australia," he'd tell me, and then he'd try to talk me into dropping the whole thing.

"Get on with our life, Edward. You have a wonderful woman and a beautiful daughter to think about now. When's the last time you spent time with them?"

"I was just with them the other day. Well, maybe it last week. No, it wasn't last week… maybe it was the week before."

"I rest my case, douche bag."

He was right, of course. I didn't mean to ignore them. I missed them terribly and promised myself I'd spend time with them every morning, but that need of mine to destroy my grandfather overshadowed everything else. There was always one more thing to check, one more lead to follow, and before I knew it, it was midnight, and I'd look around, wondering where the fuck the day went. It was easy to do, immersing myself in my grandfather's world again. It was so easy to be consumed by him again. My life came to a halt. I came to a halt. I was barely sleeping or eating and even my uncle was getting on my ass.

"Stop, Edward. Just stop. You're going to kill yourself over this, and what will that prove in the end? "

I ignored him, just like I ignored my brother.

Finally, I had enough on my grandfather. The problem then was trying to figure out the best way to use it to create the maximum damage and pain. I looked at all the angles and thought about that for weeks until I sat at the computer one Tuesday morning like I did every day after I woke up and just didn't give a shit.

When I looked back on that moment, I realized it wasn't that I _didn't_ give a shit as much as I _couldn't_ give a shit anymore. I had nothing left to give him. I was exhausted – mentally and physically - after years of playing my grandfather's games and just wore myself out. I was tired of thinking about him. I had done that all my life, never making a move without wondering how he would react to it. Even when I was with Bella the first time, when I told myself I was finally out from under my grandfather's thumb, he was always there, lurking in the back of my mind.

I shut down my computer and put all my notes and files in the closet. I gave up and walked away, and for the first time in my life, I was giving up and walking away for the right reasons. I grabbed a cup of coffee, went outside and took a deep breath. I was free. I was done with him and didn't care if he lived or if he died. He was nothing to me. I had a life to live, and I wasn't going to waste another second of it thinking about him. I had people to love, and people who loved me for reasons I couldn't understand at that moment, and that's what I wanted to think about.

Emmett was in town on business and saw me sitting outside.

"Taking a break, Mr. Walking Dead?"

I smiled at his Mr. Walking Dead shit. That was his new name for me.

"No. Just changing course. At the rate he's going, Grandfather will bury himself eventually without my help."

"So you're giving this insanity up?"

"I was looking in the wrong direction, Emmett. There's someone I need to find who I should have found a long time ago."

I could see that he was frustrated and annoyed with me. He didn't try to hide it.

"God almighty, you never stop, do you? Now who the fuck do you need to find?"

"Me. I need to find me."

I never forgot the joy on my brother's face that day. I never forgot anything about that day. That was the day I tore up my 'yucky' picture and threw it away. It was the day I took out another piece of paper and started to paint a new picture.

I started painting with the colors in the flowers I gave to Bella when I showed up at her door and told her, "You were right. It doesn't matter. It isn't important. You matter. Jaime matters. We matter. That's what's important."

I added the perfect shade of brown because Bella opened her door one more time and was still there for me, and then I added yellow, the color of the balloons I gave Jaime when I woke her up and told her how much I loved her. I added many colors that day, like the colors in Jaime's hair shining in the sun when I pushed her on a swing at the park, the greens and blues I saw in the trees and the sky when I looked up to see how high she was, and all the shades of mahogany and gold that were reflected back to me from the swing next to Jaime where Bella was laughing and swinging just as high as our daughter was.

I still doubted myself at times. I still saw the same flawed and imperfect when I looked in the mirror that I always did, and I worried that I wouldn't be able to create a new picture, that I was too lacking, too damaged and too broken.

My uncle noticed the change in me right away, though.

"I see you finally pulled your head out of your ass."

"I did. Well, I'm trying to, anyway."

"I do believe it's out completely from where I'm standing, Edward."

He put out his hand to me.

"It's very nice to meet you. I knew I'd see you one day."

I laughed when I shook his hand and realized something that made me believe I could finally move beyond all that flawed and imperfect. I didn't know who I was at that moment other than the man who made all those tragic mistakes, but at least I knew who I wasn't.

I wasn't a Cullen man anymore.

I did know that.

**********************.

_I know you think you define me.  
__  
__But each brush stroke thinks it's important when it's on the canvas and each brush stroke thinks that it's the last and that the painting will be done when the brush leaves the canvas again.  
__  
__But it isn't. You are just the shading. You are a dot. And I am the one holding the paintbrush._

_- Iain Thomas, I Wrote This For You_


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